|Not really, but pretty much.|
Okay, then. I guess it's time to talk about Equestria Girls (sigh).
For those of you who aren't aware, Equestria Girls (sigh) is an animated movie starring--sort of--the characters from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic as "humans." The basic plot seems to be that Twilight Sparkle's new crown--she's a princess now, y'see--is stolen, and the thief flees through a portal to another world. Since the crown is also the ancient arcane artifact that ties Twi to the Elements of Harmony and allows her to protect Equestria, she sort of needs it back. And so she goes through the portal after the thief, ending up in...
Hold on. I can't even describe this next part without having to facepalm for a couple of minutes first.
|If it actually were a crossover, I'd|
be way more optimistic..
Agh. I'm pretty sure part of my brain dies every time I think through that.
Do I need to explain what's wrong with this? I mean, I'm going to, that's sort of the point of writing a blog post complaining about something, but I'm pretty sure the wrongness comes across pretty thoroughly already. First off: why in Celestia's name would you take a show whose primary strength is its interesting, stereotype-defying female protagonists and turn it into a generic high school movie?!
Actually, I know why: money. Y'know the Bratz dolls? They have, sadly, made boatloads of money over the decade or so they've existed. They even spawned a (reputedly terrible) movie. They've also influenced various other "girl toy" staples with their designs. Did you know Strawberry Shortcake got Bratz'd? She did, and it was wrong.
|Pictured: the fall of Western civilization.|
Well, while this has been going on, Hasbro's been sitting off to the side, twiddling their thumbs and watching as their competition makes tons of easy money by targeting self-conscious, bludgeoned-by-society-into-accepting-insane-standards-of-femininity tweenage girls. "Hey," someone who wears a suit and tie to work said, "our My Little Pony show's really popular right now. Let's turn the characters from that into Bratz dolls!"
Okay, let me be fair. I don't think the "humanized" designs for Equestria Girls are anywhere near as bad as the Bratz or Monster High ones. They're not all puffy lips, bedroom eyes, and hoochie club wear. (At least... not yet.) Things could certainly be worse.
That said, the designs are still awful. Let's look at the Mane Six, and break this down.
Look at that. Look how freaking boring it is. This is Rarity! This is a character for whom fashion isn't just a passion, but an artform! And her human version is living in a world where everybody wears clothes, all the time! And she's wearing a white blouse and a skirt that matches her hair? And some little blue things? Come on! Where's the creative use of color and texture? Where's the flair and movement? Where, I ask you, is the giant hat?
This is not Rarity. This is an anorexic albino with a bad dye job.
Ahem. Sorry. Wow, I should not have written this post. My inner fashion critic is boiling to the surface. I think I'm going to start calling people gauche for wearing white after Labor Day.
Well, wait. Twi is cosplaying. She's the only character here who isn't actually human. Hrm. Well played, Hasbro.
But the design is still stupid. All of them, save Pinkie's and maybe Dash's, are. Even from a toy-selling perspective, I'm not really sure what they were thinking. They all have these insanely long legs but these tiny, squashed torsos. If you're going to try to market the Equestria Girls stuff as a fashion toy line, isn't that... not helpful? I mean, you can't cram a lot of detail onto a blouse that's only an inch long, and by the same token, a pair of pants that make up 2/3 the total length of a doll are going to look kind of boring.
Moreover, Hasbro, do you really think you're going to be able to bust into the oversaturated "weird skanky abstracted teenage girl doll" market with humanized ponies? Do you think the little girls who grow up watching positive messages about self-confidence and feminism are going to jump at the chance to dress Pinkie Pie in a halter top for a night at the club?
Apparently you do. And I'm sad to say that you may even be right. It's not like one show, however good, can change the face of our entire screwed-up society.
Sigh. Everything about Equestria Girls is depressing as hell. And I haven't even seen the actual movie yet. But guess what? I will. It releases this Sunday, June 16th. With any luck, I'll have a review of it for you on Monday. You can share in my misery. Or... maybe, just maybe... my surprised delight.
Nah, who are we kidding? This is gonna suck.