Another Geeky Blog

Ed's Review: Watchmen

2009-03-07T02:26:00.001-08:00

It's an inevitable truism that anyone who's a big fan of a literary work will always find it superior to the film adaptation, but while that truth does hold with Watchmen, let me say with absolute certainty: this is the best book-to-film adaptation since The Princess Bride. (Hey, I love that movie.)

For anyone who hasn't seen it, here's the rundown: in the late 1930's, following the debut of Superman in Action Comics, people in real life started dressing up in costumes and fighting crime. Seeing as it takes a pretty extreme personality to dress up in tights and punch criminals, these folks were a colorful bunch, ranging from the steadfast and noble ex-Canadian military officer Captain Metropolis, to the sexy, opportunistic Silk Spectre, to the borderline psychotic and violent Comedian.

Eventually, public affection for these brave folks waned, and gradually most of them faded away, turning to alcoholism or drugs or the simple pleasures of writing autobiographies and running car shops. (Except for the Comedian, who fit right in with the U.S. military after bravely joining the fight in WW2 and who then kept on trucking.) As the 60's approached, though, a young theoretical physicist was involved in a freak accident that left him with god-like abilities. While he was used as a tool to deter Soviet aggression and support American military action, a new wave of heroes rose: the second Silk Specter, daughter of the first; the second Nite Owl, an admirer of the original; Ozymandias, supposedly "the smartest man in the world;" and Rorschach, who is awesome.

But in 1977, following a city-wide police strike in New York that led to massive riots and looting despite the efforts of these heroes to contain it, the U.S. government passed the Keene Act, which officially banned costumed vigilantes (aside from Dr. Manhattan and the Comedian, both direct agents of the state). The film is set eight years later, with Cold War tensions on the rise thanks to the U.S. aggressively flaunting their bright blue demigod and the U.S.S.R trying to stockpile enough nukes so that even Dr. Manhattan can't stop them all.

I lay all this out because, while the movie does its best to give you the backstory, there's just too much to cram in despite their best efforts. At times, it seemed like they'd thrown in so much that it made it difficult to focus on the two main story threads: the murder of the Comedian, and the approach of World War III. As you can probably tell, I'm pretty familiar with the graphic novel and actually spent a good chunk of this week reading it in preparation, so I had no problem following the film...however, it seemed to be a little disjointed in its presentation of this information, and I have a feeling that a lot of newbies will get a little lost.

I'll get my other nitpicks out of the way so that I can end this review by telling you how awesome the film is. First, it should be noted that Watchmen (the graphic novel) is not a very action-heavy story; in fact, it only has two real fight scenes and a few short bursts of violence. The movie, needing to appeal to an audience that expects a certain amount of ass-kickery from a superhero blockbuster, has added in a couple of fights where there were none, and greatly extended and dramatized the ones that were. In these scenes, you can clearly tell that this is the same guy that directed 300; slow-motion is used to an extent that made me remember that god-awful South Park parody episode, though it at least has the upside of making the fights easy to follow (hear that, new Batman movies?). Also, while all of the costumed vigilantes (aside from Doc Manhattan) are just normal folks who happen to be in better shape than most but hardly superhuman, they're throwing punches that shatter stone walls and kicking people across rooms like it's nothin'. It does look cool, but Dan is a 40-year-old man who's been retired from superheroing for eight years; he should not be kicking people through the air.

The rest of my complaints are understandable changes to the script and plot that were fairly essential for the conversion from book to film. One early scene has Dan visiting Adrian Veidt in broad daylight, whereas originally, Rorscharch made the trip at night. (Also, Veidt said no to the toys, dammit! Although being the geek that I am, I'd totally buy them.) Dan's also present at one of the big, climactic scenes at the end; it's clearly a ploy to establish him as the primary protagonist and hero of the story, but the book was an ensemble piece where Dan and Rorshach and even Laurie shared the spotlight for large swaths. And speaking of Laurie, the pacing and writing made her big revelation scene much less earth-shattering, and it seemed like hardly more than a side plot. Realizing what she does on Mars is a big deal.

Speaking of big deals that weren't all that big in the film: it's really easy to figure out who Rorschach is, and the revelation isn't nearly as huge and "oh crap, I need to read/watch this whole thing again up to this point!"

Also worth nitpicking is the technology available to the characters, from Nite Owl's goggles with built-in HUD or Veidt's computer having a mouse and running a Windows-like program...in 1985. In the book, all this could have been easily explained by the simple fact of Jon's existence; the dude allowed the creation of electric cars by being able to synthesize infinite quantities of lithium out of thin air, so I'm pretty sure he could advance computer technology without Bill Gates. But given that no reference is made to Dr. Manhattan's technological contributions to society (and the lack of the omnipresent curb-side charging stations in New York), it's a little jarring.

My final complaint is one that I'm sure every Watchmen fanboy is parroting: they changed The Plan! On the one hand, I understand that American movie-goers have a very strange threshold for weirdness, and the original plan would have gone over about as well as the plot for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Still, the movie's version seems much less sensible and rather poorly thought out, not to mention less creative and way, way deadlier.

I should also mention the presence of blue dong. As it's present in the book and it symbolizes Dr. Manhattan's detachment from human concerns and emotions, I'm not going to file it under complaints. But there is blue dong. You have been warned.

But anyway, all the fannish bitching out of the way, this is an excellent adaptation of the best graphic novel ever created, and the result is a very damn good movie. If you haven't read the book before, you'll probably be a bit lost, but overall you'll enjoy it. If you have read it, you'll be admiring the shot-by-shot recreations of everything from fight scenes to establishing shots, and the sincere respect and love with which the writers and director treated the source material.

Overall, Watchmen is a great start to the summer blockbuster season.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 9.2/10

Resurrection time again!

2009-03-07T02:25:00.000-08:00

Another year, another dusting-off of the old blog in time for movie blockbuster season. Let's see how long it lasts this time.

Still alive!

2008-07-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the absence, folks. A new version of Dwarf Fortress launched last week, and, well...

Anyway. A recap of last Saturday's session will be posted tomorrow, followed by some prep stuff (including more low-level ogre crunch for my fellow 4E DMs). Stay tuned

Ed's Review: The Dark Knight

2008-07-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

Midnight showings: great for the atmosphere, terrible for the plot comprehension.

When I walked out of the theater Thursday night (well, Friday morning), I couldn't have told you much about The Dark Knight other than that it was awesome. While that would generally be enough to go on, I've now seen it a second time, and I actually know why they were on that ferry, why there were some bills left in the vault, and how Harvey got his dad's coin back.

As with most movies, the second viewing also revealed a few previously unnoticed flaws. With as dark and realistic as the film tries to be, the occasions of magical technology don't really fit. (See: the bullet, the Bat-bike, and a big segment towards the end. The plane thing is excused on account of it being based on actual, if silly, technology.) Also, while Christian Bale's Batman voice has improved for the most part, there are a few scenes where it sounds like he just downed a 40 of Southern Comfort and is feeling belligerent.

But! That's it for nitpicks. Let them be crammed into a single paragraph and forgotten, for this...this is the Big Damn Movie of the Summer.

Everything else about this movie is awesome. Heath Ledger, without any shadow of a doubt, steals the show; saying he's the best Joker yet is like saying the grand canyon is sort of deep and the Atlantic Ocean is kinda big; he's aided a lot by some spectacular writing, but that's only a fraction of the total equation. There's not enough that can be said about his performance...he completely inhabits the role. Which, actually, may partially explain the tragedy earlier this year.

Aaron Eckhart, meanwhile, takes the first runner-up award as Harvey Dent, and draws on a little Clint Eastwood-i-ness as his character arc progresses. Christian Bale is Christian Bale; the spotlight doesn't shine nearly as brightly on him this time, so he doesn't get much time to flex his acting muscle. Maggie Gyllenhaal is leagues and leagues better as Rachel Dawson than Katie Holmes was, and in all seriousness, had me crying a little during her big scene on my second viewing. (The first time, I was too busy being stunned.)

The plot is epic. It could have definitely been stretched and filled enough to make two seperate films, but despite that it doesn't feel condensed or rushed at all. The story raises a lot of surprisingly deep moral questions, both through the Joker's social experiments and Bruce Wayne's heroic journey. The editing is a bit rough in a couple of places (one conversation between Bruce and Alfred obviously suffers from it), but these instances are zipped by without a second glance, and you'll have forgotten them in seconds.

All in all? Seriously, this movie rocks. I'd like to think it'd be impossible to dislike, but I am, sadly, aware of the existence of RottenTomatoes.com and the people who frequent it. It's not the life-changing experience some of us had secretly hopes for, but it's still far and away the best film of the summer. Go see it.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 9.8/10

PS: Why weren't they Harvey Bullock and Renee Montoya? Seriously, come on.

Pre-Review for The Dark Knight

2008-07-18T03:09:00.000-07:00

It's way too late and I'm way too tired to go into a full review just yet; The Dark Knight is epic, and there's too much for my weary brain to wrap itself around just yet. Still, there's a few things I've gotta say right off the bat...

1) Mr. Hamill, I'm sorry. I grew up with you, and I'm sure I'll still hear your voice when I read a comic, but there's no way around it: you are no longer the best Joker.

2) Mr. Ledger, I don't know if reincarnation exists, but if it does, could you get on that? Like, now?

3) WATCHMEN! Yes! Before the movie, there's a trailer for Watchmen. And now I've got another long year of waiting to go. (Oh, there was a trailer for Terminator 4, too, but...WATCHMEN!)

4) I didn't realize how much Katie Holmes sucked until I saw her replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal. Rachel Dawson is so much better now.

5) Okay, it's official: the prosthetics technology necessary for a Jonah Hex movie exists. C'mon, Time Warner.

6) They're Renee Montoya and Harvey Bullock in my personal canon.

7) And here I thought ballerinas were encouraged to be aerodynamic.

That's all I got for now. Tomorrow: actual review! Here's a spoiler, though...I'm pretty sure the score's going to be in the high 9's.

Spycraft!

2008-07-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

I got to play Spycraft for the first time today, thanks to my buddy Nick. For the uninitiated, it's a d20 system that aims to replicate the action and feel of the various genres of spy and secret agent movies and novels that populate the world, from James Bond to Jason Bourne. It's a little outdated, some of its concepts are overly complicated, and the gear section just plain sucks, but once you get it...it's great.

I played a Faceman named Tex, a former conman and bank robber who hadn't exactly "reformed," but had certainly become less of a jackass after being framed for murder. My partner, Gonzo, was a brilliant-but-unbalanced former geneticist suffering from amnesia and skilled in the martial arts. Together, we formed the greatest special agent team-up since the mid-1980's.

We managed to blast through two adventures in one day, which was pretty damn cool. The first involved a corrupt senator who'd received a death threat from a terrorist organization, and we were hired to protect him. Needless to say, things went south quickly. The ending, though, ranks up there as one of my Best Moments in Gaming, Ever.

We ended up on a terrorist-held freighter off the coast of Washington D.C., pinned down in the storage bay with a couple of U.S. Coast Guardsmen. For the last hour or so, I had proven completely and utterly incapable of rolling above a 10...in fact, it was usually a 2 or 3. I don't know how. The laws of probability simply should not work that way; the only possible, and I mean possible, as in no objective, scientific analysis can look at all those die rolls and say it was just coincidence, explanation was that I was jinxed. I wasn't just unlucky; something was actively taking an interest in screwing up my rolls.

So our Coast Guard allies went down in a hail of gunfire, while I hid behind some crates, got clipped a couple of times, and fired off several missed shots with my appropriated AK-47. Gonzo, meanwhile, snuck up to the balcony above and proceeded to break one guy's neck, then swipe his gun and shoot another dude across the way. It was great. Sadly, a third mook opened up with a critical hit that would have killed Gonzo outright without the use of an action point, leaving him unconscious and with no hope of salvation...besides Tex, running low on ammo and falling back on his trusty .357 Colt Python.

"Okay," said the malicious dice spirit, "I'm done now."

BAM. One terrorist goes down with a hole through his chest. BAM. Another takes one in the head. I rush up the stairs and get to Gonzo, who's bleeding badly, and rig up a pulley to lower him back down to the safety of our getaway boat. Then I turn back to the fallen bad guys, and spot something lying not far away...

A rocket propelled gun.

I pick it up. I walk into the ship's hold, my revolver in one hand, my RPG in the other. I can hear the villain's voice mocking me over the intercom, calling me a "white devil" and a "servant of Satan." I kick open a door. It's clear. I kick open another. It's clear. I kick open a third, and a blast of buckshot scatters past my ear. I step back, let the door swing closed, then slam it back open with my rocket launcher readied.

I roll a 20.

Oh yes. Glorious, glorious vindication.

The next mission was less action-y, but no less fun. I don't want to spoil too much, but towards the end, the Chinese Prime Minister hotwired a car, I shot its tire, and then Gonzo punched out George W. Bush. It was awesome.

So what I'm trying to say is, Spycraft is great, and if you haven't played it, you should give it a try. A new edition (I think) should be hitting shelves around...today, actually, and there are a ton of adventures made by the game's actual creators floating around in PDF format, readily available by legal means. Even with just two players, the encounters didn't feel unbalanced and most of the puzzles weren't too difficult to work out. So if you're in the mood for a bit of d20, but can't round up your whole group (or can, but would just like to try something different), I heartily encourage you to give it a shot. It's good stuff.

Generation Y?

2008-07-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

At class tonight, the topic of communication between generations came up, which led to discussion of the differences between Generation X and Generation Y; Gen-Xers are comfortable with technology, but Gen-Yers would be lost without it, that sort of thing. While interesting, one thing in particular drew my attention:

Generation Y has a really crappy name.

Seriously. "Generation Y?" Come on. That's like calling Generation X the "Baby Boomerers." With all the talk about how we'll be changing the world and building institutions and radically changing global politics, I'd say we deserve a better name. Sure, there's "Millenials," which isn't bad (and "Echo Boomers," which...what?), but we're a creative assortment of young men and women...surely we can think of something better.

So I hereby propose that we do so. Let us band together and unite under a new name! Like..."Techies." Eh. "Cyborgs?" Well, maybe we'd better save that for the invention of actual cyborgs. "Revolutionaries?" "Most of Us Realized Bush Was an Idiot Long Before Our Parents Did?"

How about the "Truth Generation?"

Yeah, maybe I'm not entirely qualified for this. But if you've got any ideas, throw your hat into the ring! 'Cause if we don't give ourselves a cool title, we're going to get stuck with something stupid like the Baby Boomers.

One Month!

2008-07-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

As of today, I've been blogging consistently for 30 days!

Yes, this is an event worth celebrating.

In honor of this achievement, I present this to you, my readers:

SO YUMMY! SO YUMMY YUMMY!

Adventure Recap, 7/12/08

2008-07-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

I got 'em roleplaying!

Well, to a point, at least.

We picked up the session where we left off, naturally; the heroes had just slain the corrupted tiefling, Vergil Flameheart, and safely removed the Tome of Dark Immortality from his grasp. Sealing it with a constant stream of divine magic, they managed to transport it back to Walton's Hope, where they were met by a council of the town's most important citizens: Phinneas Hope, the town leader and chief protector, Gan Bluestaff, a halfling wizard of great knowledge, and Simon and River Blackraven, cleric of Warden and scout mistress, respectively.

I pretty quickly managed to suck my players into a debate on how the Tome should be handled. Simon and his sister favored destroying it outright, reasoning that such an evil artifact could only be used for ill purposes. Gan, however, was confident that with Simon's help, he could find some way to contain its demonic power and study it safely. The debate raged for about half an hour, and seemed to energize the whole group; in the end, they decided to leave the Tome with Gan and Simon, while they journeyed to the larger and more prestigious Temple of Warden in the dwarven hold, the Hall of the Brothers.

They got to spend the night in their own homes, which I hope resonated with them a bit. In the morning, however, they were summoned to back to an audience with Phinneas. A merchant named Dubli Stonefist and his dragonborn bodyguard, Thresh, had arrived in the night, battered and weary. They reported that their caravan of some 30 people had been ambushed along the road by a large force of ogres, likely the Bloodeye tribe. Oddly, while several had been killed in the fighting, the rest were taken as captives. Dubli was willing to pay the heroes handsomely to escort him back home, and Phinneas also wished the group to deliver a message to his counterpart in the Hall, Thrane Doin Stonefist. (The Stonefists are pretty much "The Clan" in the Frigid Spine Mountains.)

I like to think that simply providing my players with an overwhelming number of reasons to go somewhere isn't really railroading, more like just putting up a few signs. Please don't dissuade me of this notion.

Anyway, predictably, the group was ambushed when they came to the wreckage of the first caravan. It was about this time that two more players I didn't know were going to be there showed up, raising my total to nine. Nine! Yeesh. Fortunately, combat went smoothly; everyone had a grasp of what they could do and what they wanted to do before the initiative came to them. With a good group, I don't think it really matters how many people are playing.

My custom-built Bloodeye ogres were definitely nasty, nasty opponents. My track record of never killing a player, ever, continues apace, but they put the fear of God into my group nonetheless. The Champion, two Ogres, and a Rock Chucker went around one side of a tipped-over wagon, which became a vicious choke point between the two sides, while another Ogre, Rock Chucker, and a Spore Hurler flanked around to the side. I very nearly smushed the evil rogue with a couple of solid hits, and one of my Ogres' "launching blow" ability send the warlord right into a stack of crates, which was fun. I'm definitely going to play around with giving my monsters enemy-throwing moves; I think the ease with which these can be performed is one of my favorite bits about 4E (and why I want to play a fighter so badly).

It took a couple hours of fighting, but the good guys finally prevailed, and finished their journey to the Hall without further (violent) incident. They did pass a few more wrecked carts and battle sites on the way, but the merchants had already paused to bury these poor folk as they'd passed.

When the group reached their destination, I got to spend a few minutes letting Dubli give the PCs a history lesson. (I love this kinda stuff.) He explained about Durig and Nuin Stonefist, the brothers for which the Hall is named, and how it was that their knowledge of dwarven farming techniques (as seen in Dwarf Fortress) had, more than anything else, allowed the people of the Frigid Spine Mountains to survive the harsh, frigid landscape and even begin to prosper. He also talked about how Durig and Nuin were murdered by ogres when they set out to begin construction of the Hall, and were summarily avenged by an army formed by their children and grandchildren. The five different sections of the Hall were then introduced (the Trade Quarter, the Forges, the Thrane's Quarter, the Great Farms, and the Stonefist Quarter) and explained, and by the time I got around to introducing the group to Thrane Doin, about half looked like they'd absorbed and enjoyed the monologue, while the others had probably zoned out a few minutes ago.

What can I say? I love dwarves.

Anyway, the Thrane was more than happy to meet them; in fact, Phinneas Hope's letter to him had basically just said, "these guys are awesome, and they can help you out." So, he put them on the ogre case.

After gathering some information and meeting a few more NPCs, such as Brandig the lonely, chatty dwarf merchant in charge of the trade depot, and Slashk, the silent (but well-received, possibly because I didn't have an accent to mangle for him) dragonborn innkeep of the Hall's only stop for travellers, the Journey's End Tavern. After a night spent enjoying dwarven hospitality, the group set out into the wilderness again.

There was a skill challenge to track the ogres back to their lairs. Two natural 20's were rolled. It went too quickly to be worth mentioning.

So as the sun began to set, the party found themselves amidst the heavily forested and craggy foothills of the mountains south of the Hall. Two ogres were standing guard outside the cavernous entrance to the Bloodeye lair, staring dumbly out into the woods. After much discussion, the PCs came up with a plan to dispatch them, mostly involving the three rogues stabbing them a lot. With help from the ranger and javelin-chucking warrior, they brought the first one down quickly and silently; the second one, however, managed to survive just long enough to call out a warning to those inside.

One ogre came to investigate. It did not end well for him. (See image, above.)

However, he also managed to call out an alarm, and it wasn't long before two more Bloodeye Ogres and a Spore Hurler marched into battle. This one wasn't nearly as brutal as the first fight of the night (fewer bad guys, obviously, and no Elite dealing heavy amounts of damage), but once his companions fell, the Spore Hurler managed to race back into the caves and raise a hell of an alarm.

That's where he ended it, with the ogres organizing and getting ready to face the intruders. This is good; I hadn't really fleshed out the ogre lair, but now I'll have a chance to make it more interesting. Next week will probably be very fight-heavy, and the terrain will favor the ogres; this should make for a few more exciting fights. I'm looking forward to it; now that I've temporarily fulfilled by need to talk about how great dwarves are, I'm ready to run some damn combats.

Plus, Launching Blow is fun. So fun.

No Post-Session Report tonight.

2008-07-12T22:37:00.001-07:00

My weekly post-session recap will be delayed until tomorrow.

Why?

Well, I need to go on a barrow-iron run around northern Bree-land, then head back to Ered Luin to gather light hides, and then send them off to my alt to be boiled and sent back. Then I've got to make leather guards and braces out of them, so I can tailor myself a cool-looking robe to wear during the next kinship meeting. Plus, I just got some new recipes, and I need all the barrow-iron I can get, so I can turn it into steel...though I also need to set some aside, so I can make more iron bands out of it, too. Then when I hit 21, I'll be ready to go with a whole new set of armor!

Lord of the Rings Online's crafting is really, really addicting.

More ogres!

2008-07-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

As mentioned, I've been statting up a few ogres for use in my game tomorrow, and I figured I'd share 'em with everyone. By all means, feel absolutely free to use them in your game. DMs unite!

Ed's Review: Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

2008-07-11T02:34:00.001-07:00

THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME.

Man, that's really all I need to write. But I s'pose I can fluff it out a bit.

The original Hellboy is one of my three favorite superhero/comic book movies, right up there with Batman Begins and V for Vendetta. I'm a fan of the character in general, though I admittedly haven't read all that many of his comics. There's something intrisically cool to me about a character who's surrounded by weird magic and giant monsters constantly trying to kill him, and who's completely unimpressed by it. The inevitable clash between Nature and Nurture that lies in his future is intriguing, too; he's a demon destined to destroy the world, but at the same time, he's a really good guy.

Anyway, the movie? It is great. It's by far my favorite summer film since Speed Racer (which admittedly wasn't that long ago, but there have been a lot of good flicks in the interim). I don't even know where to start gushing. Ron Perlman (Hellboy) is awesome, Doug Jones (Abe Sapien) is awesome, John Alexander (Dr. Johann Krauss) is particularly awesome (he even enters to a heroic fanfare, much like another of my all-time favorite characters), and Luke Goss (Prince Nuada) is remarkably awesome. The dude's got the most dramatic, expressive voice I've ever heard; it's just brilliant. Some day, when I'm working in animation? I am hiring that guy.

The choreography for the fight scenes is beautiful, but occasionally gets hard to follow during scenes with a lot of action happening at once. The cinematography is brilliant, the shots are dynamic and dramatic, and Guillermo del Toro's trademarked Weird Shit isn't overdone like I was afraid it'd be; it's perfect.

And, man. The whole damn movie could've been two hours of Hellboy and Abe stumbling around drunkenly, singing Barry Manilow, and it'd still have been great.

However, I did hear one common complaint on my way out the door. Later in the movie, Liz is forced to make a very important choice, and she makes one that most people (being a detached, objective audience) seemed to dislike. Now, some reasoning behind the decision could definitely be constructed, but it's not provided, and she just comes off as sort of a selfish idiot. But I liked it nonetheless; it's true to her character. She's not some Lawful Good crusader, after all.

Anyway. You need to see this movie. It is awesome.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 9.8/10

Hellboy 2 Review Forthcoming

2008-07-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

Just a heads-up; I'll be seeing Hellboy 2 tonight (yay midnight shows). A review will follow!

Until such a time, however, I leave you with this:

"Damn heads!"

Ogres!

2008-07-09T20:53:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about ogres.

Now that my players have finished laying waste to the residents of Duskdwarrow, it's time for me to turn my storytelling sights on the next group of monstrous foes in need need of smiting: ogres!

Around one and a half thousand years ago, Furis created the ogres to replace what had, until that point, been his most favored servants, the minotaurs. While the bull-men were strong, fierce, intelligent, and utterly devoted to their Dark Lord, they tended to isolate themselves from the other dark races and considered themselves superior to rest of the rabble. Ogres, on the other hand, would be gleefully cooperative with their fellow monsters, lending their vast strength to the tribes of goblins and orcs that formed the bulk of Furis' great armies. They were smart enough to become frighteningly capable warriors, but generally too stupid to develop the sense of aloofness that marked the minotaurs.

Over the course of the next millenia, the ogres spread across the world like a plague. They bred quickly and reached maturity in only ten years, and it wasn't long before the mountain passes and craggy foothills of the world were clogged with the dumb, violent brutes. Despite Furis' intentions, they began to develop a crude culture of their own, much as the minotaurs did before them. Unlike their forerunners, however, ogres were fairly gregarious when it came to dealing with Furis' other creations, and it was common for a tribe of hobgoblins to march into battle with a regiment of ogres under its command.

Of course, the smarter of Furis' children quickly realized that these naive creatures could be manipulated easily. Orc and goblinoid diplomats found they could recruit entire clans of ogres just by assuring them it was the Dark God's will. With their rapid breeding and remarkable strength, these ogres became disposable shock troops, thrown into battle with little instruction or guidance, to distract the enemy forces while the "real" army moved in to flank. Hundreds of ogres died in the constant fighting with every passing day, and as the forces of Light grew accustomed to their foes and developed new and better ways to kill them, they became little more than fodder.

It took centuries, but it finally dawned on a handful of ogre chieftans that their people were dying faster than they were breeding. These few gathered their tribes and set out to the south, hoping that moving far enough away from the constant fighting would allow them to escape the manipulations of their fellow minions of Darkness and rebuild their race.

They only had a few decades to reach the Frigid Spine Mountains and begin acclimating to the new environment before the Gods' Fall, and the arrival several years later of Walton the Azure and his stranded followers. The intrusion infuriated the frustrated ogres, who saw it as yet another attempt to destroy their people. They attacked the newcomers with the great bulk of their forces, but after many long battles, were finally broken and scattered into the mountains' wilderness.

Today, three major tribes now exist among the Frigid Spine Mountains, as well as a handful of smaller clans that can usually be bullied into fighting for one of the larger groups. The area south of the Hall of the Brothers had originally been settled by the Gutrend tribe, which made the mistake of attacking and killing the band of dwarves led by Durig and Huin Stonefist when they set out to build the Hall; in vengeance, the brothers' sons gathered a force that nearly obliterated the Gutrends, which were then bullied out of their lands by the Bloodeye tribe and forced to find refuge among the barren hills to the east.

The Bloodeye are the largest and most aggressive tribe in the mountains now, and while they are intelligent enough not to strike at the Hall directly, they make it as dangerous as possible for anyone outside its protection. They are headed by a fearsome brute named Grundog, and his powerful shaman, Wortrug.

The Spikefoot tribe causes the most problems for the people of Walton's Hope, preying on the roads leading to Icefang and the Brothers' Hall. They've been relatively quiet in recent months, which Phinneas Hope and River Blackraven suspect means a major assault is imminent.

Several small, independent clans of ogres dwell among the hills near Icefang; fortunately, they fight eachother as much as they do the assorted hobgoblins and tieflings that dwell near them. Considering the original reason for the ogres' flight from the northern lands, this is somewhat ironic; if any ogres actually remembered why they were in the Frigid Spine Mountains to begin with, things would probably change.

As you can probably tell, my players will be fighting ogres soon. Since I'd like some variety to them, I'll be statting up a few variations (likely level 5-ish) and posting them here some time in the next few days. You will, of course, be totally free to copy them and use them in your own game, if you so desire.

I'm just cool like that.

Lord of the Rings Online

2008-07-08T22:55:00.001-07:00

Okay, so the MMORPG bug was too strong for me. I broke down, booted up World of Warcraft...and then paused. Something compelled me elsewhere, to a game I had played before, but never beyond the 14-day trial. It compelled me to a beautiful world filled with legendary locations and heroes. It compelled me to...Lord of the Rings Online.

I guess it's sort of like subbing one drug for another.

Anyway, I'm playing a Dwarf Guardian named Kragni on Landroval (which I heard was the "unofficial RP server"), and having a good time. My previous experiences were as a Minstrel, who was fun in groups (when I could get them) but not so much by himself, and a Champion, who didn't really float my boat. The Guardian, however, has been really fun so far, with a lot of survivability and a surprising amount of damage for a tank. I'm level 11 already, nearly 12, and having fun running around bashing goblins and Dourhands. It's good times.

So, yeah, that's all I've got to share today. If you happen to be playing on Landroval, drop me a line. That way I'll have someone to bug when I'm inevitably confused by parts of the game I haven't seen yet.

What I've Learned About 4th Edition

2008-07-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

With the first leg of my 4th Edition campaign behind me, I thought I'd take a moment to look back and see what I've learned from this, both about the system and GMing in general. Hopefully, these insights will help some of my fellow DMs who're thinking of starting up a campaign (or could just use a few insights).

1) Too many rogues spoil the pot. Try to limit the number of rogues in your group. Even two might be too many. If you've got players that know how to flank, there is no defense against a rogue assault; from your mightiest solo monster to the lowliest minion, nothing is going to stand up to multiple sneak attacks for long.

If you can't convince your players to go another route, there are still steps you could try to take. Positioning your most important characters so that rogues can't shift around to their back (between, say, two pillars or in a narrow hallway) will stop their assault, but may feel a bit too cheap or anticlimactic. Alternatively, equipping your monsters with high enough AC and Reflex defenses will slow down the carnage, but again, risks cheapening the fight. Finally, keeping a soldier or lurker near the boss to perform flanking attacks of his own might dissuade the party's rogues, and will definitely feel more dramatic, but forces you to spend a chunk of your XP budget for the encounter on something that's only going to really fight one or two PCs.

2) Paladins are nasty. A paladin's Divine Challenge is annoying to DM against. Whereas the fighter's marking ability applies a simple -2 penalty to the target's attack roll if it tries to hit anyone but the fighter, the paladin's does the same, but causes additional radiant damage. Against undead, that means 3 + the paladin's charisma bonus + at least 5 additional damage any time they don't attack the pally. If you're running an undead-heavy adventure, this is borderline unfair.

Short of houseruling a pally nerf (lol bliz sux!), there's not much that can be done to change this. And as time goes on and your party levels, the damage inflicted (even increased at 11th and 21st levels) will be absolutely negligible. But it can be extremely frustrating at low levels, and you might want to take it into account as you set about your WoAdWriMo pursuits.

3) The XP Budgets are more like guidelines, really. If you've got a large group, or a smart group, or worse, both, then don't be afraid to throw Big Nasties at the party. Staying within 8 levels of the group is still essential, of course, as it'll be near impossible for a 1-3rd level group to take down a monster with AC 29 and 200 HP, even if it falls within your budget range. Still, if your group's having an easy time with the encounters you built, don't be afraid to swap out those Zombie Rotter minions with regular Zombies. I know my group prefers an actual challenge, and I'm sure most others do, too.

4) Give your Final Boss cool, non-damaging powers. The DMG provides guidelines for how much damage a monster's attacks should do depending on its level, and these should be followed. Giving your Big Bad Evil Guy a fireball that averages 30 damage to a level 2 party isn't going to work out well (unless your plan is to commit a TPK, in which case, you probably shouldn't). However, there's nothing that says your villain can't rearrange the layout of his throne room at a whim, or teleport all over the place, or walk through walls. Make sure your bad guy has options for mobility or defense that can put him on even footing with the PCs, rather than letting them swarm him like a pack of deadly, stabbing mosquitoes. It's a trick video games have known for years, and it'll make the final battle both more challenging and more memorable.

5) You don't have to have "points of light in the darkness." You don't. I know some DMs find the concept inspiring, and if they do, then I applaud 'em. Myself, I've always preferred nation-based settings, with great armies and border skirmishes and political intrigue and what have you. When I first started reading about 4E way back when, and even after I had the books in hand, I felt like to make the game work, I had to build my campaign around the "points of light" idea. But you don't.

If you don't want to tell a story about scattered communities, besieged by dark forces and mysterious wilderness, then don't. There is nothing stopping you from ignoring all the fluff and going your own route. Don't like the gods? Scrap 'em! Don't want dwarves to get along with elves? That's fine! Don't think tieflings and dragonborn should be player races? That's your perogative.

You are not hamstrung by the new D&D "world." You don't have to fit your campaign into its mold. There's nothing stopping you from running an Eberron game set during the Last War, or having Elminster pop in to save the day, or making Goldmoon the only cleric in Krynn. 4th Edition is no more confining than 3rd Edition, or 2nd Edition, or AD&D, or OD&D, or what have you. The tools to make your own world are provided, and you can use them.

This misunderstanding is one of the biggest complaints I've heard levelled against 4E, and I'm guilty of it, too. But take a step back, ignore the fluff, and what you're left with is a great, crunchy system that can be used in any setting you imagine.

Don't believe me? Wait two years, for more sourcebooks and a handful of products from the 3rd party companies willing to risk the GSL. It's the same thing that's happened with every edition of D&D; the cycle continues, the wheel turns, and somewhere a dramatic wind is blowing.

And what's what I've got for ya. Hope my fellow DMs find my experiences useful!

WAAAAAAAAAAGH!

2008-07-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

I want to play Warhammer Online, dammit.

Two days ago, two anniversaries were celebrated: the 232nd year since our forefathers decided to draft a Declaration of Independence from Great Britain, and one year since I signed up for the WAR closed beta. This sparked me to read every article on the game I could find, watch the handful of podcasts and video blogs I'd missed, and generally absorb the game into every fiber of my being.

It's only a couple of months away, now. September 23, 2008, barring some sort of disaster. This also means that the open beta (in which I am guaranteed a spot, thanks to my Collector's Edition leetness) should be kicking off towards the end of August. It's not all that long, in the grand scheme of things. But I cannot wait any longer.

I want to roll up a stalwart Dwarf Rune Priest, wading into combat to fortify and heal my allies while I wail away at my foes. I want to visit Altdorf, and take orders from Felix and Gotrek. I want to proudly bear my guild's standard into battle against the forces of Chaos, and join dozens of other players in bringing down the big, bad evildoers who threaten our lands (and drop guaranteed-to-be-useful loot).

However, this is still at least a month and a half away (and longer for the actual game). In the meantime, the MMO bug is biting, and hard. A lot of my friends have been mentioning World of Warcraft, a habit I'm thankful to have kicked, but which is lookin' mighty inviting. Meanwhile, there's Age of Conan and Lord of the Rings Online just kinda sittin' there expectantly, almost challenging me to give 'em a shot. (Or another shot, in LotRO's case.)

I've been clean from Warcrack for around six months now, and it's been nice; I've had time to write, time to focus on school and work, and time to enjoy other games. But I guess it's true that you never really stop being an addict, and so I find myself looking for my fix in different places.
I have a feeling WAR is going to be worse than crack, though. More like super-crack-heroine-nicotine. I probably shouldn't be looking forward to it nearly as much as I am. But I guess I really am just a junkie, and may as well accept it.

Anyway, I'm gonna go watch some more YouTube videos and read some more hands-on previews. Three more months...just three more months.

Adventure Recap, 7/05/08

2008-07-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

Whew. Well, that worked.

Had two of the rogues missing today (so much for the plan to kill one), as well as a few others, but also had a few fill-ins to bring the total number of intrepid adventurers up to seven. The newbies were sent along to help the original group defeat the undead menace after they returned to town for rope and winches. They joined the rest of the group upon the ramp leading up to the Temple of Furis, just ahead of the swarm of zombies headed their way. All the PCs whose players were absent today decided to stay behind and hold off the undead advance, while the rest of the group headed into the temple.

The party had a more difficult time cutting down the first group of bad guys without the all the sneak attacks, so I decided to cut the first fight in the main chapel. I was caught by surprise, however, when my group decided they'd use Tenser's Floating Disk to get up on the roof of the chapel, climb the bell tower, and work their way down. Why must my players be so much smarter than me?

Fortunately, things worked in my favor. The rogue went halfway up the tower to investigate, but decided to forego stealth...which quickly led to him being bull-rushed off his disk by a rotwing zombie. Since I ruled that it'd take two rounds for the disc to descend and climb the tower again (allowing PCs to be funnelled up one at a time), the group decided it'd be safer to go through the front door. My assurances that "I don't want to do nothing but run combats this session, seriously," probably helped.

So the group entered through the front door, and met the tiefling necromancer, Vergil Flameheart...who immediately begged them to kill him, then went into a seizure. A few skill rolls determined he was trying to fight off demonic possession; a narrow 8-4 skill challenge later, and they managed to ease Vergil's mind long enough for him to dump a plot exposition on them; he found the Tome of Dark Immortality in the Underdark, it possessed him, he killed his friends, fled to Icefang, killed more of his friends, fled to the mountains, and then started killing people in general. Despite his wish to be free of the book's influence, though, it wouldn't let him discard it or even himself; when the PCs tried to swipe the book, he grabbed it, did a Transformation Sequence, and teleported off somewhere, leaving the group free to explore.

(No one even doubted that Vergil would be at the top of the tower. I think my players get that I'm a sucker for tropes.)

The first place they checked was the summoning chamber, where they were introduced to the bearded devil, Beardface. (It's Bier-fah-sey, damn it!) Sadly, no one got the Scrubs joke, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. My Beardface accent apparently kept slipping between Cockney and Australian, to the amusement of my players. Anyway, he was fairly amicable, though had no hesitation in yelling at and berating the players, but quick to apologize when his big mouth started getting him in trouble.

The group wasn't comfortable freeing a devil from imprisonment, but Beardface was pretty desperate to get home, and his pleading eventually won out. Of course, now the group knows his real name, can reach an established summoning circle with little difficulty, and have wrangled a promise from him to deliver a weapon of infernal design the next time they meet. I think I'll make it a halberd or something that none of them will want to use, just to piss 'em off.

Anyway, they picked up the side-quest to find the tome of rituals containing instructions to unbind him, so that's that.

Next stop were the priests' chambers, two hallways of 10x10 cells with stone slabs for beds and what have you. There were a few zombies that were detected, ambushed, and dropped before they could act (surprise round and good initiative, bleh), and a deathlock wight that tried to hide in one of the chests to keep from getting killed. Didn't work.

Next stop was the kitchen. The wizard decided he didn't want to poke around in the dark, so he cast light on one of the ranger's arrows and had him fire into the wall. This tipped off the skeletons, naturally. This fight was surprisingly brutal, with the narrow doorway allowing the meat shields on both sides to operate effectively. At one point, a cabinet was tipped over to crush one of the boneshard skeletons, and the blazing skeleton ended up relighting the old cooking pit. After a long fight, the PCs walked away victorious.

The next stop was the library! The group seemed less than happy to meet their old friend, the dwarf warlock that they killed back in the first session. He was also less than happy to meet them. They managed to roll high enough Diplomacy for him to try and help them find Beardface's ritual book, but an off-hand comment about his brother led to the story of his assassination, and in a fit of rage, the dwarf (having no other undead in the area to get help from) decided to settle for knocking over the rows of bookcases, creating a massive mess for the PCs to pick through. Then he flew off; he'll return, some day. Yay reoccuring NPCs!

Further exploration revealed the high priest's room (searched, looted) and the dressing/storage room (search, looted) where the priests kept their robes and chalices and sacrificial daggers and what have you. Stairs lead up to the bell tower.

By this point, everyone seemed to be getting a bit tired, but I was damn determined to finally finish this adventure. I decided to cut the next two battles and let the group get right to the Final Boss, Possessed Vergil and his two Evisero bodyguards.

Tough battle; Vergil had a nasty wall spell that did damage to anyone passing through, and weakened them until the end of their turn. The eviseros used this to their advantage, taking up a defensive position and bull-rushing intruders into the mists. Vergil, meanwhile, alternated between his deadly necrotic blast and less-deadly-but-still-nasty area burst, which did a bit of damage and weakened victims. When he eventually became bloodied, he gained the ability to BAMF! around (y'know, teleport) on a seperate initiative from his turn. While his demons went on the offensive, Vergil zipped around from balcony to balcony, doing his best to evade the group's melee fighters.

This battle took a long time, and was fairly epic. One of the demons ended up knocked through the hole in the middle of the tower and smacked into the bell below, and was out of the fight for awhile. The other made all the use he could of his bullrushes, taking advantage of Vergil's wall spell and the open pit. Finally, though, the party managed to bring the tiefling down; as he died, the book fell to the floor, and the finally liberated Vergil offered a final "thank you" before slumping to the ground.

The team's Religion-trained folks came up with a method of transporting the book back to town without getting anyone possessed. They were welcomed as heroes, conquerers, and what have you. We called it there, as the players were getting ready to meet with the town leaders to discuss what should be done with such a corrupt artifact; everyone went up to level 3, coming one step closer to being able to fight cooler stuff.

Oh, they also found the ritual book and freed Beardface. He was happy about that.

Not sure where I'm taking this next, just yet. I know something will have to be done about that book. There's also all those ogres and giants in the area, and they need to be established as a threat. I'd also like to get the party to visit the Hall of the Brothers or Icefang. I think I'll end up just setting a few quest hooks and seeing which ones get bites, which is fine with me; my group's got the hang of 4th Edition now, and I'm ready to let them take the lead.

Meanwhile, I'm just gonna relax for a few days. I've succeeded in running my first 4E adventure! Good times.

Late again, but with better reason: WoAdWriMo

2008-07-05T03:35:00.000-07:00

What started out as basic "I want to do this, then that" notes for tomorrow's game turned into a full fledged contribution to my WoAdWriMo efforts. I'm pretty proud of some of the stuff I came up with (though it's currently 3:38 AM, and it's entirely possible I will be less proud upon waking), so I thought I'd share a bit.

1A) Chapel Hall
The massive iron doors swing open with little resistance beyond an ominous creak. You step through and find yourself at the rear of a great hall, at least 120’ feet long. A blood red carpet, lined by pillars, stretches from where you stand all the way to a raised dais and an ebony altar at the far end of the cathedral. Two thirty-foot long pools of red-tainted water flank the carpet at your end of the hall, only a few feet deep and likely once a place of baptism and meditation. The copper scent of blood mingles here with the stench of decay and a hint of brimstone; it’s nearly enough to make you gag.

At the opposite end of the hall, standing before the altar with his back to you and his arms upraised, is a tiefling dressed in a crimson robe slashed with black. A pulsing, firey red glow emanates from the altar before him. He chants quietly in a twisted, snarling language that carries to you clearly.

A more pressing concern, unfortunately, are the undead who now stagger towards you…

Quick notes:

The tainted pools of (un?)holy water are nasty. Any non-undead creature that touches or drinks from it (aside from the tiefling necromancer, thanks to the book) becomes infected with Blinding Sickness (DMG 49). As a result, the Phantom Warriors will try to bulrush anyone they can into it. Simon Blackraven knows the Remove Disease ritual to cure it.
As for the bad guys, their group consists of…

2 Phantom Warriors (MM 116)

1 Boneshard Skeleton (MM 235)

2 Specters (MM 244)

The Phantom Warriors will spread out as much as possible, trying to keep near enough the pull that they can bull-rush a victim into it. The Boneshard Skeleton will wade into the middle of the group and start chopping. The Specters, starting off invisible, will wait until the melee’s locked up with the tanks before using their spectral barrages on the rear line, then go invisible and wait for the recharges. If they’re still invisible when their buddies are destroyed, and the party doesn’t actively try to finish them off, they’ll join Vergil later for the final battle.

Additionally, a secret door (Perception 25) along the southwest wall leads to Room 7, the secret treasure horde/armory.

1B) The Altar
Throughout your fight, the tiefling never so much as glanced at you. Now, as you approach, he finally stops chanting and turns, slowly, revealing…surprise? Terror? Hope?

“Oh, thank all the gods, all you here to kill me?! Do it quickly, before the book…before…”

Skill challenge time!

Key Skills: Diplomacy, Intimidate, Arcana, Religion

DC: 20, 25 for other skills

Successes/Failures: 8-4

The tiefling is struggling to resist some sort of possession. Every success brings him closer to resisting the attack on his mind; every failure brings him closer to succumbing.

If the challenge fails, the tiefling’s eyes suddenly burst into flame, and an aura of malice surrounds him. He grins for just a moment, then places his hand on the book and disappears in a flash of fire, leaving a stomach-turningly intense whiff of brimstone.

If the challenge succeeds, the tiefling introduces himself, shakily, as Vergil Flameheart. He found the book, a sentient artifact called the Tome of Dark Immortality, while exploring a passage to the Underdark with a group from Icefang. Being the resident arcane scholar, he was assigned the task of figuring out what it was. Instead, he ended up possessed by the Chaotic Evil artifact, and with its power he slaughtered his comrades and raised them as undead. The book began using him to summon more and more powerful undead. Vergil, being basically a good guy, tried desperately to break free of the tome’s hold; even when he occasionally managed to block it from his mind, he couldn’t bear to part with or damage it. He tried to flee to Icefang and find help, but the book took control again once he was there and summoned another legion of undead. When he took control again, he fled into the wilderness, but the book subtly guided him to Mt. Rendstone and then into Duskdwarrow, and finally to the Temple of Furis.

As far as Vergil knows, the book was created by a former necromancer-cleric of Furis who was swayed to the worship of Chaos, or more specifically, the Demon Prince Orcus. The book saw great irony in using an ancient temple of Furis to help bring about the destruction of the world.
Though the Minotaurs were also Chaos-worshippers, they were devoted more to the elemental aspect of the entity, rather than the demonic. The book saw no reason to bother with them, except for raising them as zombies.

Vergil doesn’t believe he can be freed from the book’s power. Any attempt to take or harm the book immediately triggers the “If the challenge fails…” scenario. Similarly, while Vergil wants to die, the book values him as a host and won’t allow him; attacking him triggers the transformation and disappearance.

If Vergil transforms and teleports, he moves to the chapel’s tower (10), and summons his Evistro (MM 54) bodyguards.

3) Summoning Chamber
This huge chamber is unmarked except for an etched carving of an intricately runed circle, marked with an inverted star in its center. Beams of light rising from some of these runes rise to the ceiling, making a glowing cage around the circle’s occupant: a tall, red-skinned man with horns and jagged, scaly skin, and, particularly noteworthy, a mass of writhing tentacles under his chin, almost like a beard. He smiles at you as you enter the room.

“Blimey, looks like me luck’s changed for the better. Mind lettin’ me out?”

Beardface (pronounced Bier-fah-say, dammit) is a bearded devil (MM 60) who was summoned by the possessed Vergil at the book’s behest, apparently as some sort of demonic joke. He was a regular contact for the priests of Furis, being a loyal servant of the God of Darkness and all, so when the Tome of Dark Immortality discovered his true name in one of the priests' ritual books, well, it felt like it’d make a fine joke.

Beardface doesn’t know how to free himself, and doubts he could even if he did. The clerics never bothered to contain him with these imprisoning runes, at least after the first few times they talked. A DC 20 Arcana or Religion check would reveal that the runes could be tampered with, but the effects might be explosive and unpredictable. A DC 20 Insight check, however, would suggest that there might be some sort of ritual book that could help. In fact, there is, but it’s hidden with the treasure stash in Room 7.

Beardface is very friendly and open about himself, and readily gives his word that he won’t do anything to hurt the party once he’s free. He’d just like to get back home; he’s been working on getting a promotion, and he’s worried that his absence might screw it up.

8) Library
This room of the temple is obviously dedicated to Furis’ aspect of Ioun. It’s filled with bookshelves crammed with scrolls and ancient tomes, and judging from the piles on the desks and tables and even the floor, the library could’ve used at least one more wing. Dust has begun to settle over this mass of literature, sadly, but the smell of old parchment and melted wax is sort of comforting in this dark place.

Before you can relax, however, a black-skinned dwarf appears before you. You recognize him as the necromancer you fought and killed days ago, atop Mt. Rendstone! Of course, he now has faint wisps of smoke trailing from his translucent form, and looks less psychotic and more put-off about the whole “dead” thing.

“Ach, great, ‘cause ye didn’t bless me enough with yer presence already.”

Rugurt Blackforge, brother of Drakun, introduces himself with all the warmth you might expect from an evil dwarf speaking to his murderers. He’s unwilling to talk about himself or help the players find anything in the library (including, say, ritual books). He doesn’t even seem to care that the adventurers are on their way to kill Vergil and cleanse the Temple of Furis; these people put an arrow through his skull, after all.

However, a DC 25 Diplomacy check brings him around somewhat. He’s willing to offer a map of the temple (excluding the treasure room) in exchange for getting to see Vergil’s severed head. He doesn’t know where the ritual book is.

If pressed for personal information, Rugurt’s willing to share that he was a priest of Furis who specialized in necromancy, and he tried to steal the Tome of Dark Immortality from Vergil, which resulted instead in him becoming the book’s slave, hence the entrance guarding. He also admits to being Drakun’s brother, if asked. If he finds out that the party murdered his brother, he immediately becomes uncooperative and cannot be persuaded to help again. If he finds out his brother was murdered in his sleep, he becomes hostile and attacks.

Rugurt has the same stats that he did in life, except that he has a Fly speed of 6 and can move through walls. He’s perfectly willing to draw the attention of a group of undead to help kill the PCs.

As for the library itself, there’s literally tons of information here, all of it written in Dwarven. It ranges from ancient maps of the way the world once looked, to treatises on arcane rituals, to descriptions of beasts and monsters that lurk in the Underdark. You have no idea how much money it’s worth, but if knowledge is power, this is the single most valuable room in this building.

10) Going up!

The stairs from Room #4 lead to the temple’s tower. There are three floors of the tower. The first is mostly empty, besides a few crates of food (starting to go bad) and barrels of ale (starting to get good). Also, more undead, as this is the "final boss grind" we all expect from our RPGs. I hope.

2 Phantom Warriors (MM 116)

1 Ghoul (MM 118)1 Wraith (MM 266)

1 Corruption Corpse (MM 274)

The second floor is empty except for a large, bronze bell occupying its center. This can be walked under normally by a Small character, or crawled under at ¼ speed by a Medium one. Ringing the bell provokes a +6 area attack vs. Fortitude for everyone in the room, and deals 1d6 damage. It can be rung multiple times per turn.

Four open archways allow access from the flying zombies outside.

Defending the room are…

2 Rotwing Zombies (MM 274)

2 Zombies (MM 274)

1 Ghoul (MM 118)

Finally, there’s the third floor.

Vergil waits here, clutching the Tome of Dark Immortality before him and his eyes still burning with the evil book’s influence. This floor of the tower opens into four wide balconies, while only a narrow walkway runs along the great hole from which the bell below hangs. Vergil stands on the western one of these, opposite the stairs, and his grin is wicked and wrathful. Before you can line up a shot to slay him in particularly anticlimactic fashion, however, two crimson-skinned, hairless humanoids step out in front of him; they seem to radiate Chaotic power.

Vergil wastes no time in idle banter. The book compels him, and so he commands his demon guards…”ATTACK!”

This fight consists of…

Vergil Flameheart

2 Evistros (MM 54)

I know the Evistros are demons, and brutes at that, but they’ll stay back and try to act as meat shields for Vergil while he opens up with his deadliest stuff.

As for other fight-related stuff…

It’s a 30’ drop back down to the bell room. It’s a 60’ drop to the roof of the temple. From the north end of the tower, it’s possible to fall all the way to the ground, which is a 90’ drop.There’s a network of ropes supporting the bell. A PC can cross them with a DC 20 Athletics or Acrobatics check. I’ll work out the movement details as I go.

Annd that's all I'm gonna be sharin' with ya. Obviously, I was getting pretty tired by the end there, hence the breakdown of the descriptions. Only included it to show off the bell, really, which I could probably make deadlier by adding a status effect to it (Dazed, maybe), though that'd really just be cruel.

Damn, missed my deadline!

2008-07-04T01:22:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a good near-month, but I've officially failed to write a post before midnight. My streak is broken. I am crushed.

Just another victim of World of Warcraft, I s'pose.

Yeah. Friggin' Warcrack. I've been clean for over six months, but my best friend has to work early tomorrow, and his guild was running Kara, and he assured me that his main (an enhancement shaman with an assortment of epic gear) was really easy to play...

And so here I am, four and a half hours later, covered in glory, and seriously considering finally reactivating my account and finishing the level grind with my draenei priest.

Damn it all.

Ed's Review: Hancock

2008-07-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

Brian Clevinger could probably sue.

No, I don't mean that Hancock involved any red-haired fighters so incredibly dense that they can warp reality around their stupidity, or kickass robot secret agents that fight Nazis. (Though both of these would be awesome.) We need to go further back.

Before 8-Bit Theater, before Atomic Robo, there was...Nuklear Power, a story about a radiation-controlling superhero with a mysterious past, who bumbled around causing massive amounts of property damage and generally being a jerk to people. And then he finds out...well, hold on.

SPOILERS AHEAD! CEASE YOUR READING UNLESS YOU WISH TO HAVE A MAJOR PLOT POINT OF BOTH HANCOCK AND NUKLEAR POWER SPOILED!

Okay? Okay.

In Nuklear Power, Nuklear Man eventually discovers that he is actually an incredibly ancient god who was struck with amnesia. In Hancock, John Hancock (Will Smith) eventually discovers he is an incredibly ancient god who was struck with amnesia.

There are differences, of course; Nuke's amnesia was caused by his Evil Twin, whereas John's was caused by a noble sacrifice...Nuke's divine purpose was to bring about Amageddon, John's was to protect people...but really. I think a case could be made.

OKAY! SPOILERS OVER! WE NOW RESUME THE PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED REVIEW!

Judging by the fact that the first thing I talked about in this review is how blatantly plagiarized most of the plot seems to be, you may think that I had a generally negative reaction to the film.

You would be wrong. Hancock is really, really good.

First off, Will Smith is an undeniably damn good actor. If you don't believe this, you haven't been paying attention. His buddy Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman) is great; he comes across as a genuinely good guy in spite of the eye-rolling corporate lingo he likes to use. Charlize Theron is...well, I can't think of any hyperbolean adjectives. She's good. Also, hot. Hell, everyone's good, even down to the Cobra Commander-like dude who recruits grad students to join his criminal organization.

What was surprising to me was how damn funny the movie was. The previews had taken on a fairly dramatic bent, and there's definitely some serious character development and plot going on here, but the film is undeniably hilarious. Hancock's running "asshole" and "your head in his ass" gags are great, and don't get old. It's a really, really good balance between action and comedy.

All in all? It's a damn good film. I heartily recommend it to any and all. However, as I'm familiar with the uncreditted source material, I feel like I have to knock some off of my score; plagiarism's gotta be punished, you know.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 8.7/10

Diablo!

2008-07-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, everyone knows; Diablo III was announced on Saturday. While this didn't have me bouncing off the walls in excitement, I thought the gameplay videos and background fluff all looked pretty cool, and thought that the indications that Tyrael will be the main villain were pretty damn awesome. That angel is one bad mofo. Bliz seems to be making the game more story-oriented, as well, which is great; I always thought Diablo II had a fantastic plot...despite the fact I never beat it.

Nope. Never beat Diablo II. Couldn't get past those goddamned pygmies. Actually, that's not true. I could've gotten past them, I'm sure, except that they were just pissing me the hell off to the point where I gave up on it.

So, in preperation for the eventual release of Diablo III, I decided to head back into Sanctuary to give this "saving the world" thing another shot. I rolled up a Barbarian under recommendation from my best friend, who claimed they were "totally OP," and I've been lovin' it far more than my old Necromancer. Thus far, I'm level 16 and just cleared the Rogue Monastery of evil infestation, and while I do have to take breaks from the mindless carnage every once in awhile, I'm having fun.

My only complaint is that since I'm only playing it to beat the game and see the ending, I'd sure like to cheat. Sadly, none of the character editors floating around the interwebs seem to work on modern versions of the game. While playing it straight will probably lead to greater enjoyment and a sense of accomplishment, I'm worried that I'm gonna get sick of it once I hit those damn pygmies again.

I guess we'll see. Meanwhile, there's a sewer full of undead that needs cleaning out, so I'd better get on that.

Worldwide Adventure Writing Month begins in less than an hour!

2008-06-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit busy with school to completely focus on what I'll be doing, but I definitely plan on participating. I'll be putting together something for 4th Edition, and I'm thinking I might flesh out Duskdwarrow and its warring factions a bit. I'll need to build a real map of the city and individual locations, make more NPCs for each group, and make murdering Drakun Blackforge in his sleep somewhat more difficult.

I think it's got a lot of potential for a cool quest, and maybe it'll help me improve my skills at balancing combat. I guess we'll see.

Anyway, I'll update the status of my project at least once a week; by this time next month, Duskdwarrow should be ready for exploration by any and all!

Ed's Review: Wanted

2008-06-29T17:19:00.001-07:00

Could someone explain to me why, exactly, I didn't dig Wanted?

On the surface, it seems like it should be one of my Favoritest Movies Ever. There's ridiculously over-the-top stunts and gunfights, a generally likeable protagonist, a somewhat abstract plot that involves a magic loom and orders from God, and naked Angelina Jolie. What's not to like?

I don't know!

Dammit, I've been puzzling over this for nearly 24 hours now. Something about it just didn't "click" for me. The best words that I can come up with are that it just didn't have a heart. There wasn't any real moral for the story, no real romance...I dunno. It's a movie about bad people doing bad things to eachother. I suppose my inner Idealist can't love a story like that.

But enough philosophical crap; let's talk about the movie.

It opens up with a Fight Club-esque look into the life of protagonist Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy), a pathetic little everyman who puts up with an asshole best friend, a hateful boss, a cheating girlfriend, and near-constant anxiety attacks that he has to take medication to ward off. There's a lot of little touches and clever lines that make Wesley a really likeable, if pitiable, character, and make a later scene in the movie something you'll cheer out loud for.

His life changes dramatically when Fox (Angelina Jolie) shows up to rescue him from Cross (Thomas Kretschmann) in over-the-top fashion, wielding a ridiculous gun and going on an awesome car chase that ends with...you'll see. It involves a bus. It's great.

After that, the Fight Club-ishness resumes, with Wesley being initiated into the Fraternity of Assassins in extremely painful ways. In the end, we even get a training montage! And then Wesley starts killing people, discovers a huge plot twist, and then proceeds to kill a lot more people.

Seriously, I don't know what I didn't like about the movie. It's undefineable. But suffice to say, my harder-to-please friends loved it, so I'm obviously the weird one. My suggestion? Go see it. You'll probably love it, and even if you don't, you'll at least have the memory of Wesley flipping his car off of another, barrel-rolling over a limousine, and shooting a guy through the sun roof. Which is all you can ask for, really.

Still, this is my review, and this is my totally subjective score. Just take it with a grain of salt.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 6.9/10

PS: Maybe the final line of the movie says it best. What the fuck did I do lately? Well, I didn't murder anyone, asshole.

What's your inner D&D 4th Edition character?

2008-06-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

Yay, I'm a Klingon zealot!

Adventure Recap, 6/28/08

2008-06-28T20:58:00.000-07:00

Today, I learned that scaring the crap out of your players can be fun.

We were short-handed again this week, so I decided to delay the confrontation with the Big Bad Evil Guy for another week, and instead gave my players a few side missions to accomplish. Among them? A rampaging glabrezu running amock in downtown Duskdwarrow.

But that's later.

Started off the afternoon with combat, the old standby. The surviving duergar, hell-bent on avenging the brutal murder of their leader, attacked the minotaur encampment while they were celebrating their victory. An elite squad, led by a dwarf who just happened to be mechanically identical to Drakun Blackforge (I didn't build him just to not use him, dammit!) arrived to do battle. Four level twos and an elite level three.

Know how the PHB says that if you have X amount of players of Y level, and you throw X amount of creatures of Y level at them, it'll be a balanced encounter? Yeah, well, the developers obviously never met my group. The three rogues were flanking like mad, reducing my poor dark dwarves into bloody lumps of gray flesh. My Drakun stand-in got off a few good attacks, but once three Strikers and a Warlord surrounded him, it was over.

Meanwhile, the minotaurs handily mopped up their share of the dwarves, with Rha reaping the whirlwind as he hacked and cleaves through their ranks. They seemed to get the whole "he is a bad motherfucker" thing pretty quickly. Only a handful of duergar survived to escape, slinking away into the Underdark to either die horribly or eventually return, higher-levelled and pissed off.

Since I wasn't ready to have my players charge on into the Temple of Furis yet, I threw in another event after they finally got a chance to sleep. The duergar section of the city was beginning to collapse and explode, rocks flying everywhere and buildings toppling. After it finished destroying the keep, the source of the destruction began to advance towards the minotaurs, crushing everything in its way. As it got closer, the players could see it clearly: a glabrezu, a Huge demon of the Abyss, with four arms and a pissed-off demeanor.

The minotaurs prepared to run, quickly. The whole "yay for demons slaughtering dwarves" thing didn't make them any happier to see a giant monster bearing down on them. My players, however, decided they'd rather not have to outrun the demon; instead, they set about convincing the mighty Rha and his followers to charge out and face it head-on. A 6-3 skill challenge later, and the minotaurs set out to destroy the beast or die trying.

Having three rogues in the party is totally OP.

Despite a brave offensive, the warriors had no damn chance. The demon slaughtered its way through their ranks as the PCs watched from a distant tower, until finally it came down to Rha the Destroyer and the steadfast Minotaur Fred. Fred died first, followed in dramatic fashion by his chieftan. My players were sad to see 'em go; I guess they like gruff barbarian NPCs. Good to know.

The PCs were hoping the demon would go after the undead next, but instead, the glabrezu resumed its course towards them. They decided vacating the city would be a good idea, but I reminded them of a problem: the only exits from Duskdwarrow were out into the deadly wilds of the Underdark, or back up the stalactite stair. The problem? There was a huge, angry demon between points A & B.

Another skill challenge had them sneaking their way past the demon, but for the first time...they failed! Ha! The glabrezu spotted them, and gave chase. I wasn't going to TPK the group just for screwing up once, though, so I let 'em haul ass back up the plateau, across the bridge, and onto the stalactite. Behind them, the glabrezu thoroughly trashed the return route, destroying the Riddle Gate and the stone bridge, and thus sealed the city off from the surface world.

After that, it headed up to the Temple of Furis, which elicited a cheer...until it stopped and chatted with the Big Bad Evil Guy a bit, then lumbered back off into the darkness. My players were pissed.

Not having enough rope to climb back down into the city, the group decided to return to Walton's Hope and stock up. I got to introduce a couple of the NPCs I hadn't gotten around to in the first session (they especially liked the elf lady who ran the inn/general store...I threw in some Jack Sparrow mannerisms to play up the "loopy hippie chick" thing), and they returned to Duskdwarrow armed with around five hundred feet of rope, a (sorta) portable winch-and-pully system, and some assorted other supplies. In the four days they'd been gone, the dust from the Glabrezu's rampage had settled, and the evil necromancer had been busy raising the slaughtered duergar and minotaurs as zombies, who roamed the city, looking for brains.

The third skill challenge for the night brought the group stealthily to the great, winding ramp leading up to the Temple, which was guarded by a legion of zombies and skeletons; a fourth challenge failed to provide an alternate route up the cliff face. So the party geared up for battle, and set about it in earnest.

I decided not to screw around with this fight. Eight skeleton minions, two zombies, two zombie rotters, and two blazing skeletons...according to the DMG, way too much for a party of 5 level 2's to handle. Yet handle it they did, though this one did get sort of hairy. The lack of a wizard and ranger this time around let the minions perform admirably, scoring a lot of wounds on the rogues and warlord, while the rotwing zombies struck at the rear of their line and the blazing skeletons blasted away at whoever happened to be closest. In the end, the rogues' flanking manuevers won out, but it was definitely an actual challenge for 'em, rather than the usual cakewalk.

We had to call it there due to three of my five players having to take off. Good, says I! I'll now have yet another week to flesh out the Temple and build a suitably dramatic and cool encounter for the Final Battle. And I think I learned a good lesson about 4th Edition combat today...and that lesson is, my players can handle damn near anything I throw at them, so I need to stop screwing around trying to "balance" stuff and just throw a damn army at 'em.

My goal for next week? Kill at least one of the rogues. Preferably two.

My Turn With the Gauntlet of Media Influences

2008-06-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

I picked this up by way of Trollsmyth's blog, who in turn got it from Lamentations of the Flame Princess.

What, you may ask, is "it?" Well, here's the challenge as it was issued:

So... I challenge the role-playing blogosphere (and I know you are reading...
:P) to name the primary influences in your personal game, so we get a flavor not
of what set of rules you decide to use, but what kind of game people can expect
to play with you! Minimum five. No maximum. Plus include what people might
assume influences you that you actually reject. Bonus points for detail and
explanation!

When I first saw the question, my brain sort of stalled. "Influences?" I asked myself. I couldn't name any off the top of my head. Not that I think I'm some sort of magnificently original maestro of the roleplaying world, I just couldn't pick individual ones out. It's like when people ask my what my favorite song or movie is; I don't know! There are so many that I love and enjoy that I can't narrow it down to just one.

However, things have crystallized a bit in my mind, and so I present my list.

Eragon by Christopher Paolini
I'm not the kind of reader that pores over descriptions of people and places in the books I read; I'm much more focused on dialogue and plot. I go, "yeah, pretty blonde" or "huh, tower on hill," and get on to the next bit of valuable information. I've probably missed out on a lot of fantastic feats of writing and imagination that way, but sadly, it's just the way my brain is wired: I don't care about the details.

Well, I didn't until I visited Farthen Dûr.

Something about it just clicked in my mind. A vast, vast crater at the peak of the tallest mountain in the most gargantuan range in the world; a great dwarven fortress that stands a mile high, yet fills only the barest fraction of the space...the sky literally miles above, ringed by sheer cliffs? Just thinking about it still gives me goosebumps.

Ever since I read those magical pages, I have tried my damndest to create cool places for adventurers to visit. The stalactite stairwell opening up on the vast Duergar city below is something I'm very proud of; likewise, the Thunderhammer Hall on the eastern continent is a cool tribute to what Paolini wrought. Even my current group's home base of Walton's Home is inspired by this sort of thing, with a great fortress carved into the side of a cliff, rising to a peak on the plateau above.

Like Paolini, though, I seem to have trouble thinking of cool locations for non-dwarves. Of course, I recognize this fault, while the esteemed author...well, he likes his elves.

The Princess Bride
This one doesn't seem to me like it needs a lot of explanation; who doesn't consider this movie an influential part of their lives?

You don't? Really? Huh.

Anyway, as far as D&D goes, The Princess Bride provides three awesome things: likeable characters, witty banter, and utter badassery. I try to apply all three of these liberally.

I'd go into detail, but really, you know the movie; you don't need me to explain.

The Works of R.A. Salvatore
If you asked me to name my favorite fantasy author, I'd hesitate only a moment before saying "R.A. Salvatore." The man has limitations as a writer, don't get me wrong, but the things he does right make up for it in spades. His two great strengths are his memorable, sympathetic (or completely unsympathetic) villains, and his incredibly choreographed fight scenes, and these are the things I try to borrow from him.

I've yet to succeed in making a villain as reviled as Father Markwart or as downright awesome as Artemis Entreri, but I do try whenever possible. The band of goblinoid adventurers my players faced in an Eberron game definitely left an impression on the group, from their cunning hobgoblin leader to their dumb-but-loveable muscle, Hrukmaul. My master villain for the campaign was a direct riff on Salvatore's corrupt Abellican monks, and in fact I had Markwart and Marcello De'Unnero in mind when I designed the Church of Balance for Equinox.

As for the combat sequences, I love taking a moment after each attack to describe, in near-Salvatorian detail, exactly what happened. Even a miss becomes a narrow block or dodge, while a critical hit slips past the monster's defenses to pierce its heart. I also try to imitate some of the swashbucklery tactics of Salvatore's novels, having my monsters do clever or downright cool things like jumping onto the chain of the scything blade and riding it towards the wizard, or just jumping on tables and kicking over chairs. I try to go for the dramatic, rather than just the tactical...and this is probably why my players have such easy times winning fights.

But villains and actions are just the start, really. I could go on, and on, and on about my love for Salvatore's work and how it inspires everything I write, but taking a step back also shows that he draws on a lot of outside influences himself. The Highwayman, my favoritest book ever, could definitely be compared to The Princess Bride in a lot of ways; his descriptions of Menzoberranzan are nearly as epic as Farthen Dûr.

And then there's lots of little stuff, like the way he goes out of his way to show a character's accent, or his penchant for talking swords. I think the reason I was so stumped by this challenge to begin with was that I have to take a big step back to see how much of my writing and GMing style is influenced by Salvatore's work. And looking at it now, and seeing the truth of the matter, I'm pretty damn happy I decided to take up this gauntlet.

Good times. Who's got next?

Build, build, build, build a 4th Edition bard!

2008-06-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd share this with anyone who hasn't seen it: a fan-made Bard class for 4th Edition, complete with powers and abilities all the way to 30.

Who doesn't love bards? Besides powergamers or anyone who likes thier characters to be useful, I mean? For me, a lot of it is a love for the goofiness of the class embodied by Elan, and spiritual cousins like Deekin from Neverwinter Nights. Even laying the humor aside, there's something I find very cool about a guy who charges off into battle with a sword in hand and a cheerful song on his lips, not seeming to care whether he lives or dies, so long as it makes a good story.

I don't know if I'd have gone the Leader route were I to make a 4E bard, though. I've always played mine as a bit tricky, using illusions and enchantments to confuse the enemy while bolstering my allies. Though bards do seem to naturally fit the leader role, after further thought, I think I'd make them Controllers.

Why? My bards always use things like illusory barriers that funnel enemies towards tanks, mass enchantments to turn monsters on thier brethren, and clever area-of-effect spells like Grease that knock enemies prone. On the other hand, the traditional bardic abilities like Inspire Courage and Fascinate might not mesh well with the concept of a controller, who are supposed to shape the battlefield and blow lots of things up.

I suppose if I wanted to make an illusionist bard, however, I could turn to this article in the first online issue of Dragon, which adds a bunch of spells and powers for wizards to let them do that kinda stuff. A couple of multiclass feats to swipe the bard's singing, and bam! Instand bardiness.

Anyway, I'm going to be trying to convince one of my players to try out this bard class. Doubt it'll work, but it could turn out pretty fun. In the meantime, I've got a lot of prep to do for Saturday (haven't really done much of anything yet, sadly), so I s'pose I'd better get on it. Those duergar are gonna be pretty ticked.

Hrm...duergar bards.

Fall From Heaven II

2008-06-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I promised myself I wouldn't get distracted by anything today, and...I totally failed. See, I bought a new stick of RAM yesterday before class, and I hadn't gotten a chance to really see what it could do. And I remembered how Civilization IV would always get choppy as the game progressed and there was so much AI to process, and...

Yeah. "One more turn."

I'm not playin' vanilla Civ4, however. I am instead held in the thrall of Fall From Heaven II, a medieval fantasy mod for the game that replaces hoplites and jet fighters with elves and dwarves. It's an almost insanely ambitious project, and it's still got a lot of rough spots that tarnish its shine, but mixing the addictiveness of Civilization with fantasy is a sure-fire recipe to plant me in my chair for hours on end.

I'm currently playing as the Khazak, a traditional bunch of dwarves who employ a lot of infantry and get huge morale bonuses from being rich. Thanks to a good start around a lot of hills and fertile valleys, not to mention several goodie huts providing me with settlers and workers, I'm kickin' large amounts of ass and taking more names than I can write without my hand cramping up.

Honestly, I suck at strategy games, and Civ4 is no exception. I'm sure my conquest will eventually boil down to converting to a Good religion, making friends with all my overseas neighbors, and contributing tech and finances to the war effort while sending out diplomats and missionaries to the neutral civs. Then it'll start to get really boring as the AI refuses to finish a damn fight, and I'll spend two hours building new Altars of Lunnotar while Bannor declares war on people, then a cease fire, then war, then a cease fire.

Like I said. Rough spots. Especially with the AI.

But in the meantime, I'm havin' fun. So I'm gonna get back to that now.

See ya tomorrow, dear readers.

Blatant, but awesome, filler.

2008-06-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty mentally exhausted after a late night doing school stuff and a fairly intense night at class, so I'm going to have to blatantly cop out of actual blogging again tonight, and provide you instead with something unbelievably awesome.

That is all.

Hope's Holdings

2008-06-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

Since I'm a bit pressed for time tonight, I thought I'd toss an excerpt from my campaign setting Wiki at you. Hope's Holdings are three small communities huddled in the mountains at the southern end of the western continent, Shadowreach. It's where my PCs are all from, and where they'll base their Heroic tier adventures out of. (Unless they really want to leave, anyway.)

When Judicus tricked his brothers and struck them down, there were still many of Warden's folk striding the western half of the world. The reshaping of the world left them stranded in hostile lands, and when the earth stopped moving and everyone regained their feet, the old grudges were quickly remembered. Most of these goodly men and women were killed or, worse, captured and sold into slavery.

Those that escaped such fates were led south by the human paladin Walton the Azure, across the Endless Plains and through the Forest of Dark Dread, and finally into the relative safety of the Frigid Spine Mountains. Only a small handful survived the march, but those few were
well-equipped to survive against the threats the mountain presented.

Over time, the community grew. Escaped slaves began to find their way south, and soon after, many hobgoblins fleeing the genocide of Varnis the Red sought refuge among the frozen peaks. Tieflings from the Flamewrought Desert saw a chance to start anew on their own terms, and built a village of their own. More and more refugees from the northern lands of Shadowreach joined these groups, and amidst the constant threats the rough lands provided, the communities began to come together into a unified people. They called themselves Hope's Holdings, standing as points of light amidst a dark and dangerous land.

In 317 G.F., a group of strange creatures emerged from the Underdark, and the Holdings quickly banded together to ward them off. Despite initial misunderstandings, however, the strange lizard-men soon conveyed their intentions; they were explorers, sent to map out the myriad tunnels that spidered out from beneath their island. They called themselves dragonborn, and claimed to be descended from powerful, magnificent beasts called "dragons."

After several weeks of rest, in which these dragonborn proved their valor and good intentions multiple times in their defense of the Holdings, they returned from whence they came. That was the last the people of the Frigid Spine saw of them until 372 G.F., when a group of fifty dragonborn colonists arrived to make their homes among the other races and take up arms to defend them.

The last century has been fairly quiet for the Holdings; their communities grow slowly but steadily, warding off attack and occasionally sending small bands of heroes into the depths of Shadowreach to bring back news of the outside world. Unfortunately, sages now point to celestial signs and warnings that indicate great troubles lie ahead, and so the people of Hope's Holdings sharpen their swords and don their armor, ready to defend themselves against whatever may come.

The world sucks, humanity is a disease, and we all deserve to die. So long, George.

2008-06-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

So George Carlin's dead.

I don't think he'd like us using any euphanisms about this turn of events. He didn't "pass away." He didn't "succumb to heart failure." He fucking died. And that's that.

He'd also probably prefer we didn't wish him well in the next life, or hope he gets to Heaven, or even that he rests in peace. He doesn't give a shit. He's dead. Even if God exists and is waiting up there for him, he'd probably just be pissed off that he was wrong about the whole "religion" thing and wouldn't want to spread it around. I imagine he'd give the Lord the ol' "fuck you!" salute as he passed through the gates.

George Carlin's been a big influence on me. Only partly with his bitter opinion that the our society is full of bullshit and we're all idiots for buying it...true though it may be. No, the big thing is the way he'd take words, and sounds, and phrases, stuff we'd hear day-to-day in common situations, and twist them, manipulate them, explore their meanings, and make them funny. That was his gift; he wasn't just a comedian, he was an artist who dealt in the English language.

I'm stunned that he's gone. 71? That's nothing! I thought he'd have at least another ten years in him. But...well, he didn't. He finished an HBO special, then croaked a month later. At least he probably didn't lose that much new material.

In all seriousness, it's a complete shame. It's a terrible loss. I never met him, of course, but I feel like I just lost a distant member of my family. I think I understood his work, and some of the creativity and effort he put into every syllable to make it something more than the angry rantings of an old man. And I understood a lot of the things he talked about, and the underlying messages...and hell, I often agreed. And as angry and bitter as he could get, I don't think he would have cared if he didn't secretly think we could improve.

But getting all broken up about it would probably just piss him off, so let's keep it from getting too damn mushy.

George...adios. I hope they insulate your coffin enough to slow the worms down.

Adventure Recap, 6/21/08

2008-06-21T22:06:00.005-07:00

I've gotta stop giving my players the opportunity to kill major villains in their sleep.

Yeah, things spiralled out of control pretty quickly. To begin with, three of my players couldn't show up due to injury, illness, or marriage to someone suffering one of the above. The two who couldn't make the last game, however, did arrive...and both rolled rogues. Combined with the cleric changing to warlord and the wizard switching to a warlock, this put the final count at:

1 Leader
4 Strikers

Despite my best Diplomacy checks, I couldn't convince anyone to play a tank; instead, I opted to provide the group with an NPC defender after they befriended one of the two factions. But before we get there, here's what happened.

We picked up roughly where we left off. The missing party members fell down a hole or something and had to find their way back to the group; meanwhile, the two newcomers (on orders from the ranger/rogue trainer, River Blackraven) arrived at the party's campsite and introduced themselves. One "you look trustworthy!" later, and the Ultimate Stealth Assault Group headed out.

They soon reached the great stalactite stairwell I'd thought up, and seemed suitably impressed by my description of the walls suddenly dropping away to provide a breathtaking view of a massive, ancient duergar city. Perception checks revealed three sections of the great metropolis were occupied, while the rest was dark and empty. Before the heroes could go exploring, however, they had to pass through the Riddle Gate.

I picked out two fairly (I thought) obvious riddles and one of my stand-by jokes. The gate recited them in a thick dwarven accent, but the first two completely stumped the group. Not sure why; "how do you drive a nail without hitting your finger" didn't seem that hard. Rather than letting them get stuck on this damn door, I went ahead with the third riddle (a horrible joke that I'll retell here some time), which one of my players remembered and answered. One out of three shouldn't have been enough, but hey, we had to get things movin'.

Soon after, they descended into the city to see a fight between the duergar and minotaurs wrapping up. The lone survivor, a wounded minotaur warrior, greeted them with only mild surprise; he seemed to be expecting adventurers, or at least outlanders of some sort. He offered to bring them to his chieftan, Rha, who wanted to meet with anyone who happened to enter the city. A brief OOC discussion resolved that while minotaurs aren't necessarily evil, duergar definitely are, so they went with the bull-men.

The discussion with Rha wasn't too complicated; the duergar kept wrecking his nifty Temple of Chaos, so he wanted them wiped out. In return, the party could keep any magical relics they found. No one even batted an eye at the whole Chaos thing, meaning I might need to reinforce my fluff just a bit. Chaos = worse than evil.

Rha also assigned one of his champions, a minotaur soldier named Fred (it was very easy to remember), to accompany the party as a guide. They needed a defender, dammit, so they got one.

Being a very rogue-y party, the group decided that the best course of action was to sneak into the duergar fortress, steal all the magical items they could, and then use them to assassinate their leader, Drakun Blackforge. We went through our first skill challenge, and you know what? Once we got it figured out, it was actually pretty damn cool. As Keith Baker said, the rules description of them in the DMG might suck, but in practice? Good times.

Suffice it to say, the heroes arrived safely in the treasury in the keep's basement. There, they picked a few locks and received a few treasures; with three rogues, of course, there was some debate as to how to split the loot. One player got some cool armor, another got a +1 longbow, and the third got a pair of Acrobatic Boots I described as being exceedingly elfy. He was a bit disappointed.

Anyway, the party wasn't quite sure where to go next, and came upon the idea of capturing a duergar guard and interrogating him for information. This worked out fairly well, and the unconscious dark dwarf was carried back to the treasury, stripped, bound, and rudely awakened. Another skill challenge led to the dwarf cracking under threats of pain and torture, revealing not only where Drakun Blackforge slept at night, but a few other secret passages and whatnot scattered throughout the keep. Once they had their information, the lead rogue slit his throat and dumped him into a chest.

It's about this point that things started to go wrong.

Another quick skill challenge brought the heroes to Drakun's bedchamber, which, between a walk-in closet, luxurious bed, giant armoire, and large potted plant, had more than enough places for them to lie in wait. The warlock cast her Silence ritual on the room, and everyone got into position. Hours later, Drakun entered, stripped off his armor and weapons, and laid down for a peaceful night's sleep.

Okay, quick aside. Last recap, I mentioned the story of the anthropomorphic rhino that bullrushed a BBEG off a tower and then dove off after him. Well, later in this campaign, the group had to infiltrate an old castle the Karnnathi army had taken as a headquarters. I went to great lengths to emphasize that both he and his dwarven cleric friend weren't bad guys at all, and could undoubtedly be reasoned with. I had some dialogue planned out, a few cool scenes picked, all that stuff.

Instead? The wizard cast Fly on the rhino and the rogue, who flew up onto a tower, snuck down (silence), and crept into the Lawful Good dwarf cleric's room. There, the rhino succeeded in grappling and pinning the poor guy while the rogue savagely, repeatedly backstabbed him into submission. Then they went and did the same to the Karnnathi general. The last step was to take the general's body with them, so the Karnns wouldn't be able to resurrect him. They did leave the dwarf, though, if only because I begged them to.

So this group has a...colorful history, you could say. And I really...really need to stop giving them access to peoples' bedrooms.

Well, you can guess what happened. As the picture above shows, the three rogues surrounded the sleeping duergar and simultaneously coup de graced him. He died instantly, without even the slightest chance to convince the players to work with him instead, or to warn them about aiding the forces of Chaos.

I don't think I'm going to feel bad about making them responsible for the future destruction of the world now.

After that, they ambushed Drakun's door guards (not quite silently enough, as one raised the alarm), but moving the armoire to block the door revealed a secret passageway the interrogated dwarf hadn't known of. Following it led them out past the city's walls and into the wilderness of the Underdark, where strange things lurked in the darkness. Hearing the dark dwarves approaching behind them, they decided to hide among the stalagmites and small crevasses of the area.

About thirty duergar emerged from the tunnel, and split off into groups of five to search for the party. Soon after, though, the sounds of combat and death came to the PCs ears. They decided to vacate the area back through the passageway, killing the few guards there, racing back up the stairs, and sealing the passage with the armoire just in time. Moments later, they heard the duergar racing up the stairs, screaming, while something roared and thrashed behind them. There was about a minute and a half of terrified screaming and the sounds of something tearing dwarves to pieces, and then silence.

The PCs decided not to investigate.

Getting out of the keep wasn't too difficult after that; another 4-2 skill challenge was all it took, and they were home free. When they returned to the minotaur leader, Rha, he greeted them as heroes and thanked them for their help. He also seemed really enthusiastic about the story of the duergar being dismembered by some beast, cheerfully exclaiming that Chaos must have unleashed a demon to aid the minotaurs in their conquest of Duskdwarrow. One again, the players didn't bat an eye. Seriously...demons bad.

That's about where we called it. Fred the Minotaur returned to his tribe hale and hearty (the group rather liked him), the party got a nice celebration, a good feast, and a peaceful night's rest, and the minotaurs promised to help defeat the undead at the Temple of Furis. All in all? A good day's work for a party of assassins.

I have to say, that was a fun session to run. I got to play a variety of NPCs, wasn't overly concerned with throwing big, perfectly balanced battles at the group, and got to describe a mysterious demon tearing duergar to shreds while my horrified players looked on. This is a lot closer to the kind of DM I want to be; a major improvement over the somewhat dull session last week.

Fun stuff. I'm lookin' forward to next Saturday.

Ed's Review: Get Smart

2008-06-21T21:24:00.008-07:00

I'm scared of comedy movies nowadays. I used to love 'em as a kid (Spaceballs! The Holy Grail! Airplane!), but the last few years have damn near killed my faith in the genre. Movies like Knocked Up and Juno are good, don't get me wrong, but the "this happens in real life, isn't it funny?" style of comedy just doesn't completely click with me. And the alternative? Films like Delta Farce or Epic Movie? Dear God. Seriously, just...Christ.

So it's been awhile since I've seen a good example of what I'd truly consider a comedy movie. Something with a ridiculous concept and over-the-top but likeable characters, and without a bunch of stupid goddamn pop culture references that are only thrown in to show how "hip" the writers think they are. I'd actually forgotten what it felt like to see such a movie in a theater, with people around me laughing just as loudly and enthusiastically, remembering favorite lines for future use in cracking up my friends. I'd lost, in essence, that loving feeling.

Whoah, that loving feeling.

Get Smart brought it back. What a great damn movie. I'm not even sure where to start. I mean, everything about it just clicks. There's not a single moment that's not packed with humor, action, or intrigue (or cominations thereof). Steve Carrell is spot-on as a goofy (yet dangerously intelligent) secret agent; I'd been worried that he'd just be "Michael Scott as James Bond," but despite the character's general amicable nincompoopery, Maxwell Smart's a much more capable and self-assured man than the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin. Anne Hathaway makes a good straightwoman, the Ro-- Dwayne Johnson is friggin' hilarious...hell, every single character in the movie is great, from the bit parts ("Bones are crunchy!") to the heavy-hitters. The comedic timing in every scene is spot-on, the writing is perfect, it...it's just great.

Hell, even the action scenes are great. The final fight in a moving car as it speeds along a freeway was damn intense, and the big fight with the Great Khali is hilariously over-the-top, but effective in making his character ridiculously scary.

It's good, good stuff. Definitely the best "real" comedy in years. I'm looking forward to the (hopefully) inevitable sequel, especially with the new addition to the cast at the end of the film. Trust me, you'll recognize him as soon as he opens his mouth. "All I see in fronta me are a coupla crying little girls."

That's all I've got to say without spoiling anything. Go see it! If you're sick of trash like Meet the Spartans or Larry the Health Inspector, trust me, this will restore some of your faith in America. What a great film.

Heh heh. "NUCLEAR!"

Ed's Completely Subjective Score: 9.6/10

Minotaur!

2008-06-20T16:19:00.004-07:00

Or "minotaurs." I'm not sure of the plural.

Yesterday, I described the duergar and their place in my campaign setting, Equinox. Today, I'm going to talk about their opponents for the ruined streets of Duskdwarrow, the minotaur and their Chaos-empowered champion, Rha.

The origin of the minotaur is pretty straightfoward; Furis needed more shock troops, saw a passing bull, and went "hey, that's an idea." The first clan of minotaur was created soon after, and proved devastatingly effective, especially in their initial charge. They initially enjoyed status as Furis' favorite creations, but eventually the dark god got bored with them and went off to make ogres. (This fact sparked an eternal hatred of ogres in the minotaurs' hearts. Most ogres immediately turn and run at the sight of multiple minotaur.)

One of the strongest traits Furis had instilled in the minotaur was a desperate need for a deity's attention. When their creator stopped doting on them, the bull-men began to feel lonely and adrift. Athiesm was simply not in thier genetic configuration, so instead, they turned to the primal force of destruction that was Chaos. As it happened, that worked out pretty well.

Chaos didn't have any real desire for servants, but it realized that spreading its influence through worshippers would help weaken the seals that bound it. It lavished power and fury upon its new worshippers, and more and more minotaurs began to flock to Entropy, seeking comfort in its god-like shadow.

The influx of those drawing upon Chaos' power simultaneously increased the amount of power Chaos could give. As it grew stronger and stronger, it selected a single minotaur to become a true champion of entropy; a Destroyer, a warrior fueled by elemental power that made it stronger, faster, and deadlier than any of its kin. When this servant died, another was chosen to take its place, and so the cycle continued.

By the time the gods fell and Judicus ascended above his brothers, only the barest minority of minotaurs remained loyal to Furis. But the Church of Balance soon rose to power in Shadowreach, and these Chaos worshippers suddenly found themselves targetted by divine servants and powerful enemies at every turn. They were finally forced to retreat into the Dark Dread Forest, where even the most dogged inquisitors dared not follow. From there, they disappeared from the world's memory.

But they weren't gone, of course. They had found an entrance to the Underdark, a winding tunnel that led them to a new home: an underground sea, with a volcano at its center. The heat from the lava combined with the great pool to form clouds, even generating weather patterns and winds; it was, in essence, an embodiment of the Elements: earth, water, fire, and air. Chaos had intended them to come here; no sign could be clearer.

Centuries passed, and the minotaurs built a great, fortified city at the volcano's foot. They eventually expanded across the lake as well, building a handful of fortresses and keeps along its shores. Their power and strength kept them safe from the Underdark's lurking horrors, and their sea was plentiful with fish and plantlife; they flourished.

Around five years ago, however, the current Destroyer received what he believed to be a vision from Chaos itself. He gathered his most loyal soldiers and struck out to the south, fighting his way through the tunnels and caves until, at last, he arrived at the ancient duergar city of Duskdwarrow. Here, finally, he explained his purpose: he would build a great temple to Entropy, and it would be used to release Chaos from its bonds.

The duergar who still dwelled among the city's stones were less than thrilled with the idea, of course, and fought back with all the strength they could muster. The battle between the two groups has raged for nearly four years now, and the minotaur are no nearer completing their mission; every attempt to begin construction is sabotaged or destroyed, to the point that the Destroyer, Rha, has decided eradicating the dark dwarves is the only way to proceed.

The arrival of the undead army has thrown a kink into this plan, however. The ravaging zombies and ghouls hardly seem to care who they're killing, and their enigmatic tiefling leader refuses to grant an audience. Their arrival has thrown the minotaur and duergar into a complete stalemate; neither side can focus on driving off the undead without opening their flank to attack, and neither side is willing to treat with the other.

Rha doesn't have a lot to give the PCs if they decide to work with him, besides right of salvage for any duergar artifacts they come across. He's more open and friendly to the group, compared to Drakun Blackforge's sheming overtones. Being from an isolated community far from civilized lands, the PCs might also not realize that Chaos is (in civilized lands) generally considered a bigger threat than Lawful Evil, which could have some serious repurcussions later.

As for the temple...if it's completed, eventually a group of Unmakers (Chaos worshippers who want to destroy the world, and make no claims otherwise) will arrive and use it for rituals designed to weaken their semi-god's prison. When/if the PCs ever return to Hope's Holdings, they'll find them under siege by demons, elementals, and abberations of all stripes. It'll make for some cool Paragon tier storytelling.

If they decide either to not intervene in the duergar/minotaur feud, or if they convince them to work together, this'll happen just the same. The minotaur will eventually break the truce and, without the undead to harass them, will eventually hunt down and slaughter the dark dwarves. It'll delay the temple's grand opening, but won't have much effect otherwise.

Working with the dwarves will be the only way to prevent future turmoil. So here's hoping they don't do that.

I'll post an adventure recap after the game tomorrow, and let you know how it worked out.

Duergar!

2008-06-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

As much as I'm growing to like 4th Edition, I have to admit that there are things that still irritate me about it. The alignment system, for one (how can you have Lawful Good and Chaotic Evil, but not Lawful Evil or Chaotic Good?!), and, as I discovered when I tried to plan out the next phase of my group's adventure, the lack of Duergar.

If you're not familiar with them, duergar are to dwarves as drow are to elves. They're rotten to the core, live in the Underdark, and are generally viewed with anger and suspicion. Why? Well, the elves hate drow because they're cruel, murderous psychopaths; dwarves hate duergar because they're really good at magic.

How's that for an insight into dwarven culture?

Well, considering my players are on their way to explore an ancient duergar city, I decided that this omission needed to be rectified. The results of my number crunching can be found here, on the Chatty DM's forums. (As well as some minotaurs I'll talk about next time.) But the fluff? The fluff is all AGB, baby. Here's how Duergar fit into the world of Equinox.

A long time ago, back when constant wars were being fought between Warden and Furis, the Dark God of Trickery and Mischief decided he wanted some dwarves and elves of his own. They always seemed pretty effective against his minions, after all, so there had to be something special about them. With promises of wealth and power, he managed to lure many of these peoples to his banner, and began teaching them the darkest secrets of arcane power. This being sort of his schtick.

Since they were going for dark power, they decided the best place to study and master it was underground. Working together, these dark elves and dwarves built an enormous city within a great cavern of the Underdark, and set about their work. As the centuries rolled on, they began to be physically corrupted (or empowered) by the magicks they channelled, their skin darkening to nearly black and their hair bleaching to white. Their personalities began to change as well; the dark elves (called "drow" by the dwarves) gradually became malicious, cruel, treacherous, and wild, while the dark dwarves (called "duergar" by the elves) became more and more fanatical in the pursuit of their powers and their reverence for Furis. This finally led to a great civil war between the species', and after the smoke cleared and the city lay in ruin, they went on their seperate ways.

The duergar built their new homes in a twisted reflection of their dwarven cousins. Their architecture and design relied on abstract, geometric shapes and symbols, but took on a sharper, slightly warped and sinister appearance. They began insribing their walls and doors with great mosaics depicting the glory and power of Furis, and the inevitable defeat of the races of Light. And drow. Definitely drow.

However, when the world was shattered and Furis was cast down, the backlash shattered the duergar both physically and spiritually. Most of the dark dwarves went utterly mad, their minds destroyed by the backlash of arcane energy and the unthinkable truth that Furis had been defeated. These poor fools killed themselves or fled into the wilds of the Underdark, forming barbaric, territorial tribes or taken as valued slaves by the mind flayers. The handful that survived the sundering mostly intact found their population hugely diminished, and were forced to retreat into the corners and keeps of their now mostly abandoned cities.

The labrynthine city of Duskdwarrow, hidden deep beneath the peaks of the Frigid Spine Mountains, is now home to only the barest fraction of the tens of thousands of duergar that once dwelled there. The survivors are led by Drakun Blackforge, a warrior-priest of Furis who struggles to restore his peoples' faith in their fallen god. They currently face two major problems to their well-being: the arrival of a tiefling necromancer bearing a strange book and followed by a legion of the undead (the reason the PCs are there), and a clan of minotaur Chaos-worshippers who believe their leader has been chosen by Entropy itself to claim the ruins and build a great temple.

Drakun will try to buy the PCs' assistance with promise of a handful of ancient duergar relics crafted at the height of their magical prowess. What he'll fail to mention is that the great backlash also drained these items of much of their original strength, so they'll just be level-appropriate magic items rather than Epic Artifacts of Doom.

The duergar aren't as tough in a fight as the minotaurs, though, so the heroes just might decide to side with them, since they can get the treasure that way, too.

And if they get the idea to convince 'em to work together? Sounds like a good time to test out skill challenges, I'd say.

In the Labrynthine City of Duskdwarrow...

2008-06-18T12:59:00.003-07:00

As previously mentioned, the next leg of my players' journey will take them into an ancient, ruined duergar city that lies deep beneath the Frigid Spine Mountains. I decided to take inspiration from/blatantly rip off the Dungeon Master's Guide's example of an adventure locale based around a large dungeon-metropolis divided between three factions, tailored a bit to my needs.

Up until about an hour ago, my plan was for the Temple of Furis to be the players' first destination, wherein they'd confront the Big Bad Evil Guy and his Book of Eviliciousness. Afterwards, the players would be free to explore Duskdwarrow, interacting with the different factions; duergar, minotaurs, and the remaining undead. Fortunately, I realized how incredibly anticlimactic it would be to have them kill the main villain in only the second encounter of the night, and that since they didn't pick up any sidequests, the PCs only motivation to explore this city would be simple curiosity. (Also, greed.)

So I'm restructuring things quite a bit. When the heroes arrive, they'll be confronted with a fight between a pack of minotaurs and a platoon of duergar. If they opt to help one side or the other, that faction will become Neutral with them, while the other drops to Hostile. If they choose to stay out of it, both groups will default to Unfriendly. As for the undead, well, all they want to do is eat your brains. But they're not unreasonable; no one's gonna eat your eyes.

In the end, the PCs will hopefully side with one (or both) groups, who will be able to provide them with shelter and backup when they move on to confront the BBEG. The NPCs won't join in the Final Battle (they'll be holding off the undead swarm that's closing in on the temple), though the epicnicity of the conflict should make it pretty dramatic and get the attention of my players.

Meanwhile, I'm going to need to stat up some low-level NPCs for the two factions, and maybe create a few unique powers and abilities. I'll share anything cool I come up with.

Getting Captured: It's the Pits

2008-06-17T01:34:00.005-07:00

Besides my new live-group 4th Edition game, I'm also running two online games through RPol.net. Both are set on my setting's more populated eastern continent, Gardrun. (Essentially, I've arranged things so that Gardrun is geared more towards my idea of "3rd Edition-ish-ness," with big kingdoms and lots of political intrigue, while Shadowreach is more the type of setting 4th Edition's all about, with points of light in the wilderness and what have you.)

My first group's gotten further, having met and accepted a quest to clear some restless goblinoids out of a local cave system. They started by stumbling across a goblin traitor named Jeeger, who explained that his tribe had discovered mushroom farming as was doing quite well until this goblin wizard named Slishneek took over and brought a clan of bugbears with him. Being a peaceful and cowardly sort, Jeeger fled at the first opportunity, and was more than happy to provide the PCs with an alternate entrance to the goblin lair: an ancient dwarven mine haunted by an ancient evil.

Since my players apparently never saw The Fellowship of the Ring, they opted for the dwarven mine. I did a pretty damn good job of portraying a sense of creepy, ominous horror, complete with a bloodstained diary penned by a dead little farmgirl that talked about her brother being murdered while she went insane. (Good stuff!) This discovery led to an inter-party argument, with half the group wanting to press on immediately and destroy the evil creature, and the other wanting to continue exploring and looting. In the end, the bard, rogue, and ranger went off to fight the boss, while the cleric, wizard, and barbarian stayed behind to open chests.

Yep.

It went about as well as you'd expect. The monster (a gibbering mouther) tore the smaller group a new rectum, until the guys that should have been killing monsters arrived and squished it soundly. They pressed on.

Long story short, they reached the end of the underground tunnel that led them to the goblin lair, and found it sealed by various forms of debris. Spot and Listen checks through the cracks revealed a large arena, surrounded by 60' high cliffs on which several goblins milled about, talking idly. I told them they could try to shift some of the rocks to allow a passage, and if they were quiet about it, they could probably get the drop on the bad guys.

They went for Option "B."

Three weeks of posting actions and moving around little tokens in Photoshop later, and here we were. The enlarged barbarian was slowly wittled down by goblin archers, the cleric was nearly ripped to shreds by worgs, and now Slishneek and his right-hand bugbear Hruknul were standing there, giving evil monologues. The ranger and the paladin are both sentenced to execution, the group has been stripped of their possessions, and now they're sitting in the mud at the bottom of another pit, and don't seem motivated at all to figure a way out.

Where did I go wrong?

Combat in a play-by-post format, to me, is not a fun experience. It's slow, it's tedious, and it ensures that only one thing really happens per day (if not longer). I thought ending the battle and giving my players a chance to flex their brains would be a welcome alternative, but it seems like everyone's too burned out to care anymore.

Fellow DMs of the world, I need help. If you have any suggestions as to how I can get my online players motivated and willing to roleplay again, let me know! I'll take any advice I can get.

Adventure Recap, 6/15/08

2008-06-16T14:21:00.010-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post, there honestly wasn't a whole lot of plot advancement in the session. This is one of those things I'm gonna do some hard work on, as telling a cool story is one of the things I want most out of being a DM.

Anyway, on to the plot I've got!

The campaign's starting in the cold, desolate Frigid Spine Mountains, a barren and rocky area located at the southern point of the "evil" western continent, Shadowreach. Walton's Hope, the largest and most prosperous settlement in the area, was founded by a paladin named Walton who led a handful of survivors there after the Lawful Neutral god smacked his brothers down and rearranged the world. There are two other cities in the mountains, Icefang and the Hall of the Brothers.

Since all of my PCs were playing traditional goodly races, I decided they'd all have been born and raised in Walton's Hope. I set up four mentor NPCs, each covering two classes; oddly, the way things worked out, each real-life couple ended up training under the same guy.

I'm not too good at opening a campaign, I'm afraid. It takes me awhile to get into the groove, and when I'm dealing with folks I don't know yet, it's tough to really get into playing my NPCs with their silly voices and manners of speech. So it was with little fanfair that Phinneas Hope, the Protector of the city, mumbled something about a wandering tiefling bringing some evil book to Icefang, followed immediately by large numbers of hungry undead. I sort of left the ball in my players' court afterwards, hoping they might opt to explore the city and pick up a few sidequests, but they didn't seem inclined to go around interrogating NPCs just yet. They picked up some supplies and headed for Mt. Rendstone, where the tiefling had last been spotted.

It was a day-long journey, and when they made camp, the rogue and ranger happened to notice a fire approaching. Not burning, per se, just ambling forward at an amicable pace. Further investigation revealed it to be a Blazing Skeleton accompanied by two regular Skeletons and a band of Decrepit Skeleton minions, heading their way. With enough time to prep and set up an ambush, the PCs had little trouble with these guys...actually, too little trouble. This is where I started to realize that a party with only two melee attackers (the paladin and the rogue) was going to require different tactics to defeat than I had planned on. Afterwards, the rogue searched the bodies with a natural 20, so I opted to present him with the Blazing Skelly's leg bone, cool to the touch but still emitting light equivelant to a sunrod.

Having dealt with the requisite random battle for the evening, the party settled down for the night, then set out and reached the mountain around noon the next day. Mt. Rendstone, despite its name, didn't pose much of a challenge; a natural ramp circled it all the way up. Nearing the top, the group found themselves presented with a crazed-looking old dwarf in black robes peering down at them from on high. A brief exchange of pleasantries ended with him warning the group not to come any closer, lest he destroy them utterly. They seemed unimpressed.

The second battle of the session was a work I was quite proud of. Two natural stone bridges spanned a gorge, one 10' wide, the other only 5'. Opposite the PCs was the dwarf warlock, a ghoul, a specter hidden on the players' side of the gap, and an ochre jelly. As the plan went, the jelly would advance across the larger bridge, forcing the tank to choose between stopping the ghoul (a faster, more immediate threat) or the jelly (which could absorb tons of hits and eat everyone's faces). Meanwhile, the warlock would blast away at the cleric from afar, and the specter would materialize every few rounds to discharge its Necrotic Burst on the largest cluster of PCs.

Nasty, right? Well, here's what happened: the ranger won initiative, scored a natural 20 on her attack roll with her daily power, and killed the warlock in one shot. The ghoul charged in and scored a nasty hit on one of the wizards, but the rogue used his King's Castle power and ended up rolling a series of devastating hits on the thing. The specter was effective in its first round, but couldn't recharge its damn powers, and ended up floating there, invisible and ignored, after the party moved on. And the jelly? Well, two mages with Thundering Wave didn't kill it, but it won't be showing up again until the next session...it takes awhile to climb a mountain with a movement speed of four squares.

We took a break at this point, as everyone was starting to get tired and restless. The hosting player's got an awesome house with a pool, so we sat around discussing Anita Blake with our feet submerged; very pleasant. After some food and drink, we resumed the quest.

The adventurers headed off through the tunnel the dwarf warlock was guarding, which led downwards and curved westwards but was otherwise empty and unremarkable for a long, skipped-over stretch. And then! The heroes reached a large cavern, lit by torches and another firey skeleton on the opposite side, spanned by a large, stone bridge. (I like bridges, what can I say?) They also heard wings beating in the darkness above, but too high up for them to see. The bad guys on the other side spotted their light sources, and initiative was rolled.

Again, here's what was supposed to happen: the Blazing Skeleton and his minion Zombies were going to slowly move forward across the bridge, which was rigged with an Elite scything blade trap. A series of flattened stalagmites along the eastern wall led to a hidden control box that would disable the trap, though it required a series of Athletics or Acrobatics checks to reach. One of the two Rotwing Zombies lurking above would go after anyone trying to reach the controls, doing charging bull-rushes to knock them off the platforms. The other would circle above, divebombing the wizards in the back row.

Annnd...here's what actually happened: the rogue failed to spot the control panel, but decided to take the jumpy route anyway in hopes of flanking the bad guys. The paladin, being the only other melee fighter, decided to hang back and protect the rest of the group, completely avoiding the trap. Thus, Blazing Skeleton and its minions ended up stalling on the bridge, unwilling to trigger the damned trap, which completely gave its existence away to the players. Meanwhile, my Rotwings succeeded in their tasks, to an extent, with one bullrushing the rogue off a pillar (he caught himself) and the other making repeated diving strikes at the wizards and then withdrawing. Then, one of the mages decided to cast light on one of the ranger's arrows, which negated the flying zombie's concealment, which led to its subsequent demise. The rogue, meanwhile, had ridiculous luck and managed to hold his own against his Rotwing.

Back on the bridge, the minions were easily picked apart by the party's ranged attacks, and by the time the Blazing Skeleton was in range for his spells, he was the only bad guy left and was quickly dispatched. The party triggered the trap, held their actions, and walked right by the blades without taking a point of damage.

Sigh.

On the other side of the bridge was a strange stone door. History checks revealed it to be of dwarven make, but not in any sort of dwarven style the group recognizes; the symbolism and art is much more sinister and violent. Religion showed holy symbols of Furis, the Dark Evil Annoying Little Brother God, were hidden throughout the etchings, and in fact seemed to tell a story a la hieroglyphics about a kingdom of evil dwarves dwelling in the deepest parts of the world. Arcana revealed that the door was magically fortified to resist damage and remain locked when shut, but being currently ajar, this was not a concern.

Onward they travelled, to my fourth (and most successful) battle. This one was a passage set between two 10' high cliffs, with plenty of stalactites and boulders to hide and take cover behind. The bad guys consisted of four Zombie brutes, a Ghoul soldier, a Deathlock Wight to resurrect the Ghoul, a Corruption Corpse (which I described as tearing off chunks of itself and throwing them, an act I find much cooler and more disturbing than "black orbs of necrotic energy"), and a pair of Deathjump Spiders to wait in ambush until the front line moved forward and the casters were exposed to attack.

With great Perception checks, the PCs managed to ambush the ambushers. A ghost sound on a boulder from behind which they heard something mutter "braaains" caused one of the zombies to leap out and savagely attack the thin air, and then be pierced by arrows, magic missiles, and even one of the paladin's crossbow bolts. The battle was joined; the ghoul, perched upon the western cliff, sprinted out from behind its hiding place, leapt forward, landed right next to one of the wizards, and began beating the hell out of her. The rest of the party went to her defense, leaving them a bit distracted when the four zombies surged forward. The corruption corpse began hurling beetle-covered bits of itself at them, targetting the paladin and cleric, and the wight followed suit with its own spells.

Sadly, though, the lack of a real "front line" again screwed up my plans. The good guys never really moved forward, though the rogue did scale up the eastern cliff to get to the corruption corpse and the wight, and instead found himself faced with a giant spider. Their ambush revealed, the spiders attacked on their next turn, the western one still managing to reach and imperil the female wizard, who didn't seem to get the whole "stay behind the tank" thing.

The cleric's Turn Undead finished off the ghoul and one of the zombies, and sent the other two packing. The paladin went to kill the spider threatening the wizard, which then left the cleric defenseless when the zombies became mobile again and rushed over to eat his brains. The rogue nearly got killed by his spider, but finally managed to beat it down; rather than bother with healing, he immediately moved up to attack the corruption corpse. I get the distinct impression he'd like to play a Barbarian.

(As a side note, he's the same guy who played the anthropomorphic rhino that bullrushed one of my Big Bad Evil Guys off a tower.)

In the end, the cleric drops but is saved by the paladin's Lay on Hands, the wight is whittled down by the ranger's Twin Strike, the corruption corpse is messily disembowled by the rogue, and the spiders manage one last hurrah (Prodigious Leap! Death From Above!) before being squished like bugs.

That's where we called it, sadly. Just a little further and they would've descended a spiral staircase carved into a huge stalactite, gotten a breathtaking panorama of an ancient duergar city, and then had to solve a few riddles to open the great door to the Temple of Furis wherein the BBEG's summoning his undead hordes. Ah well, at least this gives me more time to flesh out the city, which I'm sure they'll want to explore. The DMG has an example of an ancient ruin populated by three fueding groups, and I think I'll copy it shamelessly. It'll give the group a chance for more RPing and (optionally) combat, and give me the chance to tell a cool story...which, of course, is why I took this job to begin with.

Post-Session Report 06/15/08

2008-06-16T00:45:00.009-07:00

My first 4th Edition game started off pretty okay-ish. I had two players I've never gamed with before, and two more that couldn't make it, leaving me with a group of six -- three husbands, two wives and a fiance. The ladies enjoy playing, but aren't all that excited by combat, which...sorta sucked, since all I had were combat encounters. The session ended before they got to my awesome riddle-locked temple door.

The fights went well enough, but they seemed ridiculously easy for the group despite the fact I was throwing mobs at them that the DMG assured me would be "very challenging" for a group of eight level 1's. Some of it was lucky/unlucky rolling, though I might also have gone too soft on them. (At one point, I could've easily killed the wizard, but stayed my hand.) I thought I had some pretty devious stuff planned, but the sad fact is that I built my encounters to be challenging for a melee-heavy group, and they went almost completely ranged assault. So the remaining stuff in the adventure will need to be tweaked.

Frankly, the session was way too battle-heavy, and by the third straight fight, everyone was getting restless (even after a break). I think adding more puzzles to the adventure would be more to my players' tastes, since it'd let everyone get involved.

I also learned that minions suck against this party. If I'm going to use them, I need to use them to ambush the PCs; with so many ranged attackers, they can tear the little guys to pieces long before they're given a chance to accomplish anything. As an alternative, I need to use more Soldiers and Brutes, since they can survive the attacks and do some heavy damage.

I like Lurkers. I think using at least one per fight will keep them on their toes, though again, with so many ranged guys it hardly matters.

Overall, I'd say everyone had a reasonable amount of fun. Now that I know what sort of group dynamics I'll be dealing with, I can plan things a little better. Next session, I need to have more puzzles and dialogue, and I need to change up the battle encounters to provide more of a threat to all the ranged PCs. I'm not where I want to be as a DM yet, but I think actively focusing on what I need to improve will get me there eventually.

Stay tuned! Next session's Saturday.

Equinox

2008-06-14T14:50:00.011-07:00

Last year, I posted a kinda weird little story about three godly brothers who got into a fight, splitting the world evenly between Good and Evil. It's an idea for an RPG campaign setting that I've had for a long time, inspired by the Dragonlance books and, in particular, the Red Robed Wizards. I guess it seemed strange that an order of spellcasters was devoted to Neutrality; not just non-involvement between Good and Evil, but Neutrality as an actual concept. And when later books expanded on Krynn's pantheon, it turned out that there was a whole group of gods who embodied this idea, that balance was something to be taken very seriously.

Over time, a basic idea took shape: a world divided in half, and kept seperate by people devoted to this concept of Neutrality. Initially, I pictured a world seperated by some sort of great wall, permanently staffed by these guardians of balance. (Somehow, aliens were involved, too. I distinctly remember that.) This idea stuck for a long time, but gradually turned into the idea of a vast sea that divided two continents, with all the Bad Guys on one side and all the Good Guys on the other.

When information on the world of 4th Edition Dungeons and Dragons started coming out, with its points of light and emphasis on fitting everything possible into the world, my idea shifted focus. It wouldn't be much fun if there were no monsters in human lands, and no humans in monster lands. Maybe the neutral guys weren't able to completely keep these groups seperate; maybe they had something more important to deal with, and had to be satisfied with keeping Good and Evil from all-out war.

Well, I've got it figured out. So well, in fact, that I created a wiki for it. Behold: Equinox, the World of Balance!

"Yes, Ed, that's very interesting," you say with some degree of sarcasm. "You have a homebrew campaign setting. Join the rest of the DMs in the world."

That cuts to the quick, man. That hurts.

I mention it both because I think it's an extremely cool piece of work, and because I'm unveiling a new focus for the blog: world building, Dungeon Mastering, and D&D in general. Expect insightful posts, amusing anecdotes, and lots of links to sites like the Chatty DM and Gnome Stew, which have been around far longer and are greatly superior to me.

Meanwhile, I've got my first live game as a DM in almost two years tomorrow, and I've got to finish prepping. I'll give you all a rundown of anything interesting I learn along the way.

Hulk's Review: The Incredible Hulk

2008-06-14T14:37:00.006-07:00

It's probably not a great idea to make your big blogging return by turning your site over to a two-ton green monster, but I greatly enjoyed his movie, and thought it was appropriate. So let's hand this over to the one, the only, the Incredible Hulk.

"Hulk thank you.

Hulk movie rock socks. Hulk have awesome fight scenes, intense and smashy. Hulk also have cool Bourne-y sequences where Hulk run from bad guys. Hulk also have cute banter between Hulk and Betty. And Hulk have teaser scene for Avengers movie...Hulk want them do Captain America and Thor already, so Hulk can smash stuff again.

Hulk also think retconning story of first movie good idea; Hulk drop weird jellyfish thing, and redo gamma radiation bit. Hulk think changes for the better. Hulk think Hulk much more noble now, and Hulk think General Ross much more sinister.

Hulk also totally kick the shit out of one guy. You know scene when you see it. Ed laugh out loud for like minute straight. ...Maybe Ed have violent sense of humor.

Also, Hulk preview villain for next movie! Hulk show origin of...the Leader!

...Hulk need better villains.

Hulk say, go see movie! Movie good! Plus, Hulk have trailer for The Mummy 3, and if you not excited about that, Hulk not want to talk to you anymore. Hulk think The Mummy is awesome.

Anyway, that all Hulk got to say. Hulk got cheesey fiesta potatoes, eat them now.

P.S: Hulk not have any scenes after credits. Hulk not hide cool stuff like Tony Stark. Hulk more up-front."

Couldn't have said it better myself. There's a few instances of Fridge Logic
(why was she so surprised about the heart rate thing, after she bought him that watch?), but y'know what? It was good stuff. Definitely on par with Iron Man and the first two Spidey movies.

Next up...Hank Pym, the Ant-Man! I wonder how many times he'll create unstoppable evil robots, or beat his wife.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 9/10

Please Ignore the Cobwebs

2008-06-14T14:25:00.004-07:00

Okay, let's try this thing again.

I'm Ed, and this is Another Geeky Blog. Around a year ago, I thought it might be cool to create an all-purpose nerdery blog, covering movies, games, comics, toys, and pretty much everything I'm even tangenially interested in. Then, I reviewed Transformers (which remains great, if not quite so spectacular) and...nothing.

Well, that's about enough of that. Let's get get this show back on the road.

Next: the return!

Ed's Review: Transformers

2007-07-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's time to sit down and write an Official Review. First, I'd just like to say this up front so you know how I feel, regardless of any nits I pick or jabs I throw at Michael Bay...THIS FILM IS AWESOME.

Got that? Right. Let's rock.

The movie opens with Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime, both now and in the original cartoon) narrating the basics of the Allspark Cube, the war on Cybertron, and the reason they're coming to Earth. From the words "In the beginning..." any kid who grew up watchin' the Big Red Robot kick the crap out of the Mean Gray Robot should be grinning like an idiot, and you never stop.

Transformers is roughly divided into two halves: the Boy and His Car half, which seems to have been mostly overseen by Steven Spielburg, and the Everything Explodes half, directed by the infamous Michael Bay. Having now seen the movie twice (for "research," really!), I can honestly say that while I prefer the tone and ambience of the Spielburg half, the Bay half is just as awesome in its own, over-the-top way.

Spielburg's section is defined by its dialogue, its loveable characters, and the sense of mystery and excitement that permeates (almost) everything. We're introduced to Spike--uh, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), a likeable everyman high school student who's hawking his famous ancestor's posessions on eBay to buy a car. He ends up in the posession of a 1974 Camero, which he uses to try and pick up his lifelong crush Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox). We're also introduced to his parents, Judy and Sparkplug--uh, Ronald Witwicky (Julie White and Kevin Dunn), who are also surprisingly entertaining and funny.

Gradually, Spike--uh, Sam begins to notice that something weird is going on with his car. One thing leads to another, and the Camero is eventually revealed to be the Almighty Bumblebee (who speaks through his radio, due to Megatron ripping his throat out while he heroically held the lines to keep the Decepticons distracted while Prime launched the Allspark Cube into space...uh, comic book spoilers), who is really sick of you making fun of him for being such a little bitch in the old cartoon, and will either kick your ass or "lubricate" on you if you so much as mention his hilarious beat-down at the hands of Thundercracker and Skywarp. Bumblebee then proceeds to summon the rest of the Autobots, in a scene that has been specifically constructed to make you giggle like a little girl for three minutes straight.

Gears quickly shift into Michael Bay Mode, the plot begins moving at breakneck speed (Bay's patented technique to keep you from noticing a few gaping plot holes), things start exploding, people start doing hilariously, awesomely over-the-top things, the camera shakes constantly, and you will need to see the movie at least twice just to get a better idea of what's going on. People die (mostly bad people, but people), Prime is an utter and complete badass, and Bumblebee continues to be the most loveable character in the movie with every scene.

Seriously, the work and technology that went into the CGI is mind-blowing. The Autobots emote with surprising depth and emotional range; from the thousands of tiny, moving parts in their faces to the intricacies of their postures and motions, they seem just as "alive" as the humans of the cast.

And the humans are great. Surprisingly great! Shia LaBeouf's performance is exemplary, and if anyone had reservations about him carrying this film (or the next Indiana Jones film), they should be dispelled. Josh Duhamel (Lt. Lennox) and Tyrese Gibson (Sgt. Epps) give solid performances as Typical Action Movie Hero and Smart But Still Badass Hero respectively, and Jon Voight is actually really likeable as a Good Guy. (Who knew?) Megan Fox does a very acceptable job as the Hot Chick with a Rough Edge, and John Turturro is excellent in his role of Unlikeable and Unflappable Government Dude. All in all, the humans add as much to the movie as the Transformers...which is pretty much the opposite of what the humans do in every other incarnation of the series.

Now, like I said at the beginning, there are problems. With these problems come SPOILERS, which I've been trying to avoid. So if you haven't seen it yet, just stop here, trust that the movie is, in fact, awesome, and go see it. These can wait. Okay? Okay. I'm going on now.

The first and foremost problem is the entire Hacker Subplot, which is pretty much superfluous. It serves only two purposes: to give us a quick breather between Optimus Prime kicking Decepticon ass, and to give us more Frenzy (Reno Wilson), who is awesome. It still detracts from the action a bit, but more Frenzy is more Fun.

Second is the lack of Decepticon face time. We didn't really get to see the Bad Guys interact (probably since they didn't really arrive until the Everything Explodes half, and Bay was too busy telling the cameramen to "shake harder!") to include, say, Starscream whining about Megatron or Soundwave--uh, Blackout threatening him monotonously. We really didn't get enough of the Autobots, either, but there was virtually no love for the Decepticreeps.

Third, Michael, dude, could you please stop shaking the goddamn camera?!

Fourth, couldn't we have spent less time on hackers, and more time on A) Prime vs. Bonecrusher, B) Jazz vs. Megatron, and C) Prime vs. Megatron?

Fifth, why does the black guy always have to die?

Sixth, a few gaping plot holes that may or may not be addressed with the DVD's deleted scenes:
- What happened to Barricade?
- What happened to Scorponok?
- Why did the Autobots have to wait until morning to look at the glasses?
- Why did they have to climb a freakin' mountain to do so?
- How did Bumblebadass' voice box get fixed?
- Why did he sound like an old British man?
- Isn't making out on top of Bumblebadass kinda like making out in your best friend's bed...while he's still in it?
- Does Bumblebadass just like to watch?

And, back on the positives, a few little touches that I thought were awesome.

- Blackout, Bumblebadass, Prime: the cheesy "transforming" noise.
- Barricade: the evil, twisted version of the cheesy "transforming" noise.
- "Bee-otch."
- Bumblebadass puttin' the moves on Mikhaela (and Spike--uh, Sam).
- Bumblebadass playing a sports theme and shadowboxing.
- Bumblebadass lifting one of the lids on his "battle mask" to look at Brawn.
- Prime's faceplate.
- "My bad."
- Rodent infestations.
- Spike--uh, Sam's Happy Time.
- Frenzy turning into a boombox, which was a loving and awesome reference to the big, blue monotone guy he used to live in. (He was the one who wasn't Rumble).
- Starscream and Megatron's dialogue. Heh...good to see you too, boss.
- Counting Starscream, there were four F22s left at the very end. How many fired missiles? Yep. Heh. Heh heh heh heh.
- I love Starscream.

And that's just off the top of my head, folks. This movie is laced with pure goodness from top to bottom; even Michael Bay's half, for all its gaps and rapid pacing, is infused with solid joy.

You need to see this movie. Go. Do so. Now.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 9.75/10

Don't you kind of feel bad for the Nazi dude?

2007-06-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to thank David Campbell of Dave's Long Box and his latest article on Cracked.com for reminding me about this, one of my favorite chase scenes ever. Take that, ya Ratzis!

Huh. This actually sounds pretty cool.

2007-06-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

Check this out.

Sounds interesting, doesn't it? I might have to start reading Marvel!

...Nahhh.

Ed's Review: Epic Movie

2007-05-23T12:39:00.001-07:00

While I may not be willing to review the fun-yet-vaguely-disappointing Spiderman 3, I think I can devote some effort to a movie that I really, really knew I'd enjoy...until about five minutes in. Come for the parodies of your favorite movies, stay for Hiro Nakamura's redheaded girlfriend in a Renn Faire outfit.

Where to begin? This movie fails on every possible level, from the horrible in-film music videos to the sheer volume of poorly-delivered, unfunny jokes. The only consistently amusing thing about the film was Jayma Mays's running joke of repeating Faune Chamber's lines, a running joke that really could have been played upon in the typical Scary Movie fashion ("Why do you keep repeating my lines?" "Why do you keep repeating my lines?").

Like the horror-parody films it descends from, Epic Movie centers around the basic plot of a major movie (in this case, The Chronicles of Narnia), while incorporating scenes and characters from other films. Unfortunately, while the Scary Movie series has slowly perfected the art of incorporating several films into one, hilariously awesome whole, Epic Movie...well, Epic Movie doesn't. At all.

The four leads are assembled from as many movies, The DaVinci Code, Nacho Libre, Snakes on a Plane, and X-Men 3, linked together by four Golden Tickets that give them access to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, and from there to a promised "epic adventure." Each of these scenes starts out fairly weak (Silas the Albino Monk's random weapon-swapping being, really, the only funny bit), and the movie just goes downhill from there. There's plenty of potential for good jokes, with setups like Willy Wonka being a creepy, Michael Jackson-like child molester, and Samuel L. Jackson addressing his internet fanbase, but the writing and the acting just completely, utterly, totally fail to deliver.

"I want these motherfuckin' snakes off my motherfuckin' plane" is a goofy, hilarious line. Yes. Repeating it over and over while talking about how bloggers love you? Okay, that's actually prety funny. How you fail so...so epically at it, I don't know.

From there, we're treated to two hours of mindless, tedious quasi-humor, from an unfunny "Cribs" parody to a god-awful rap about pirating in the Carribean. Throughout the journey, you might laugh at a line or two -- like Stiffler's mom being immediately referred to as a "milf" -- but between the White Bitch (sigh)'s incredibly lame dwarven sidekick and the overall poor, poor deliveries by everyone in the movie, it just overwhelms you with suck.

Not to blow my own horn, here, but c'mon. The idea of an "epic movie" parody has infite potential, if done right; I pondered over the subject myself many times, before this film was announced. How would you create an epic parody? What ideas would you draw upon? I want to see Frodo meeting Maximus Decimus Meridius, or Private Ryan being saved by Batman; those are "epic movies" to me. Those are the kinds of ideas I would base my film around...not freaking Nacho Libre.

I liked Nacho Libre, actually, but c'mon...epic movies.

In the end, I'm just glad I rented the movie instead of rushing out to the theater like I wanted to. Better to be out $3.00 than $7.50, right? But my word of advice to you, my folks, is to avoid this awful, unfunny, just plan bad film altogether. There is no reason, whatsoever, to pay good money to see this movie.

Unless you really like hot redheads in Renn Faire costumes.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 1.5/10

Buildin' a World

2007-05-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

Yeah, sorry, no Spider-Man 3 review. If you've seen it, you'll understand why.

But hey, remember this post? I've had this idea floating around in my head for years, for a D&D (or, hey, any other RPG) campaign setting; that was the first time I put any of it down on paper. Or whatever.

Well, I've decided that, for as long as I can maintain interest, this blog be temporarily dedicated to fleshing out that world and the concepts I've created for it. Let me start with a brief overview.

Like that post said, this world was created by three gods; one Lawful Good, one Lawful Neutral, and one Lawful Evil. They created an orderly, structured planet and populated it with creatures of all shapes and sizes, but the Good and Evil gods eventually began fighting -- typical, really -- and destroyed the world. After awhile, they remade it, but the fighting started up again soon enough. The Neutral god, trying to preserve their creation, tricked his brothers into dueling in mortal forms, and then sealed them from their power once they began drawing on it. He then parted the world into two halves, and created a massive barrier between them, to keep his brothers from destroying everything again. Finally, he infused a handful of loyal guardians with immortality and immense power, and settled back to watch the show.

Now, here's where the brainstorming starts.

First, I'd like to think about that massive barrier. I originally thought of it as some kind of artificial wall (like a European-themed Great Wall of China), but that just seems a little strange. The next idea was a vast ocean, with another wall dividing it...actually, that could work, but eh. I think I've settled on the idea of a great mountain range running north-to-south across the entire planet, crisscrossed with tunnels and passages here and there, but all of them guarded by the Neutral god's followers.

The Neutral Guardians would be a pretty big thorn in the protagonists' sides, but I don't think I want them being the be-all, end-all villains. Good guys need to fight evil guys, so there will be some kind of recent breach through the barrier, and low-level baddies (scouts, y'see) will be filtering through into the good lands -- Green Lands. Okay, that's good, but why? Well, the Neutral god would be watching the passages intently -- he wants to keep Good and Evil seperate. So for anything like that to happen, he has to be out of the picture. And since he's basically the god now, it has to be something really big.

My idea is the entrance of some kind of powerful, Chaotic forces -- Chaos Elementals, something like that. The repression of Chaos in this world (since all the deties were Lawful) caused a huge buildup, and now the Lawful Neutral god is trying to ward them off and keep the world from going kablooey again. It's an equal and opposite reaction, after millenia of Order and Law.

So the Neutral god is off trying to hold back the eruption, and his followers begin losing their immortality and superpowers. The Evil god, of course, would be the first one to act...his troops start clearing the passageways and filtering through. He's just sending scouts at the moment, because hey, he's got a lot of powerful, highly-trained evil baddies on his side of the mountains. Maybe he wants to draw out the handful of Good heroes and warriors that have popped up (since the Good races never fought amongst eachother, they don't have a strong military tradition).

Lemme talk about the two lesser gods, in pure D&D terms. At the beginning, all three gods were Intermediate Deities; perfectly balanced and matched. However, when the Neutral god sealed off his brethrens' power, he became a Greater Deity, while the other two were dropped all the way to Demigod status. They're still very, very powerful beings, but neither of them can so much as take a dump without Big Brother knowing. However, with the Chaos Crisis taking all of his resources, the Good and Evil gods have been free to move with more secrecy and independence than they have in a long, long time, as have their followers.

The Neutral god's followers are fully aware of this, but they naturally want to keep the news to themselves. This could be an introductory plot hook.

Now, let me do a brief overview of the two halves of the world. The eastern half, the Green Lands populated by the Good races, are peaceful, beautiful, and societally advanced. Though most of the races are governed by a benevolent monarchy, a few societies (the dwarves, gnomes, and halflings) have more democratic systems (representative monarchy for the dwarves, a traditional republic for the gnomes, and a communal democracy for the halflings). There are some slight tensions between some races, like the dwarves and the elves, but war is unheard of and the vast majority of people die peacefully from old age.

With the Barrier Mountains forming a massive, vertical wall in the west, I see the area directly to the east as a vast, pastoral countryside with green fields and rolling hills, mostly populated by halflings and humans. North of them (past a spur of the Barrier Mountains extending east) is a great, blue, pristine sea. A lush, green, snow-capped mountain range rises to the northeast of the farmlands, where the majority of the dwarven clans reside, as well as many gnomes. The great human kingdom lies between these mountains and the great elven forest to the southeast, a beautiful area dotted with streams, woodlands, vast open fields, and the occasional hill or crag. Since this continent needs room for every Good-aligned race and creature ever created or converted for D&D 3.5, there will be a lot, lot more.

The Evil races' lands, the Black Lands, will be sort of a dark, twisted reflection of the Goodly ones. Instead of a massive plain filled with hobbits, the area immediately west of the Barrier Mountains will be a vast, barren, clay-baked desert filled with canyons and crags and the occasional stunted plantlife. Instead of halflings and men, goblins and a handful of orc tribes will scrape out what sustenance they can on the hard rock. The mountains north-west of them will hold the vile duergar clans, while the area populated by the human kingdom will be a vast, open battlefield where the goblinoids war for dominance against the ogres and orcs. The drow will inhabit a vast forest like their cousins', but the trees will be dead and dying, towering high into the sky in clusters so thick that they blot out the ragged, pale sunlight that filters through the dark clouds. Like the Good lands, every Evil race in existence will need to fit in here.

But why would a Lawful Evil god let his minions kill eachother? As training. He's been waiting for an opening for millenia, and by keeping his orcs and goblins and so on forever at war, he'll be able to call on the best and brightest warriors in his lands when he finally asserts his godly will.

Okay, that's a pretty good overview. One last thing: Chaos.

Chaos has been repressed in this world, to the point where the primal, elemental forces of it are beginning to backlash. This is also reflected in how societies treat their Chaotic members, especially the Good ones. Chaotic behavior is generally frowned upon and discouraged in children, and adults who continue to display their Chaotic alignment are ostracized and looked down on. Neutral Good characters have an easier time, since they prefer to just take the easiest route towards helping people, and don't really mind following most rules. They're still not considered ideal, though, compared to Lawful Good folks.

The Evil races might see things differently. On the whole, a goblin might not care about an orc's Chaotic disposition, but maybe the Evil god has a retinue of special enforcers who seek out particularly troublesome Chaotic individuals and destroy them. Actually, yeah! That brings to mind my idea for a variant paladin.

Since Good and Evil have never actually fought in thousands of years, I think a Paladin would have to be devoted to smiting Chaos instead of Evil. This would also let them be used by creatures on both sides of the mountains; maybe there could be prestige classes for each alignment that let them smite Good/Evil instead of just Chaos. Blackguard and Paladin, of course; the Paladin would be a reversed Blackguard. And the original Paladin class, now switched to devote itself to the smiting of Evil, would need a different name...eh, I'll think of something later.

Also, just a random note, but I think that the PCs would be permanently buffed by their deity, Good or Evil. Since they're only Demigods, I don't think they'd be able to channel any huge enhancements, but maybe a free +2 to whatever stat on character creation would be cool. Or maybe I could make it a feat. Maybe Law-Paladins could have that as a class feature instead of turning undead.

Think that's it, for now. More later!

The Return...?

2007-05-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm back. Maybe.

Over the last couple of days, I've gone back and taken a look at those long, verbiose posts I wrote over the course of almost two glorious weeks, and I realized...I'm actually kinda funny. I could pull this off.

So, I'm going to make a comeback. But here's a few things to get out of the way, first:

- I'm not going to promise that I'll post every day, as much as I should.

...Actually, that's it. Everything else will continue as per custom. So good for that.

So get ready, handful of people who have read this blog! Ed Novak is back in town!

Tomorrow: Spider-Man 3!

Free Downloads!

2007-04-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

I suppose this is spam, isn't it? Great way to update my blog after more than a month MIA. Ah well.

Well, thanks to the magazine formerly known as Computer Gaming World's flagship artcle, Tom vs. Bruce, I've become interested in playing a game that I wanted to try, but missed out on: Imperialism II. One quick Google search later, and I find a site that'll let me download it for free! I just have to link them from my blog, and bam. Well, supposedly.

I already put a link in the sidebar, but apparently that's not good enough. So here we go: Game Downloads, a site with a ton of abandonware, freeware, shareware, and even manuals in PDF form. They just hafta pay the rent, is all.

So...that's it. And yeah, I broke my promise to myself to keep writing every day -- I blame it entirely on the mysterious ennui that's consumed my generation. Any sociologists know what that's all about yet?

Yeah, 'cause Civil War wasn't awful enough...

2007-03-08T07:51:00.000-08:00

Let's talk briefly about comics, since this is a general-purpose geekery blog, and comics fall under that umbrella. Specifically, let's talk about something that's complete news to me, though it's apparently a day old for comics geeks who are a bit more in-the-loop.

Actually, I'm surprised I know about it already. Even if I had the budget to pick up new titles every Wednesday, I'd likely have missed this; I don't read Marvel. Never have, and likely never will, but there's still a few characters I know, love, and hold in as high of regard as anyone. Spider-Man, the Hulk, Iron Man, Thor...and Captain America.

Now, if you're geeky enough to be reading this blog, but haven't been following recent events in comics, Marvel's been running a much-delayed mega-event called Civil War. Tony Stark, better known as Iron Man, revealed his identity to save a kid, and then decided that everyone else should give up their real names, too. Captain America, who really had no particular reason to hide a secret identity that everyone and their mother seemed to know anyway, decided that superheroes should have the freedom to maintain their personal lives, away from scrutiny. Eventually, all of the Marvel heroes joined up on one side or the other and had a big fight in New York. Somewhere along the line, a building got knocked over and Cappy gave up. So the gub'ment locked him up and put him on trial.

Most Marvel fans loathed it, primarily for its spotty reasoning and poor characterization. For instance, Tony Stark had fought for decades to conceal his identity from the world, even going so far as to mind-wipe the entire freaking planet on at least one occasion. Captain America, the hero's hero, the indefatigueable champion of freedom and justice, stalwart friend to the good, implacable foe to the evil, who would never surrender despite the most overwhelming odds, gave up because he didn't think it was worth fighting anymore. Not because he almost decapitated his former best friend, no; because he didn't want to keep trying.

So, yeah. Marvelites are pissed, and as a fan of the heroic Captain America, so am I.

Now, before I go any further, lemme warn ya: spoilers lie ahead. If you want to know what happens before I tell you, go borrow someone else's issue of Captain America #25 (don't buy it, though, 'cause Marvel does not need your money).

You ready? You sure? Okay.

Captain America is assassinated on his way to the courthouse.

You know, if I was a Marvel fan, I'd be storming the castle with torches and pitchforks right now. Sure, it's a superhero death, and moreover, it's a classic, timeless hero of immense popularity who happens to be good friends with Dr. Strange. Cap's death is about as permanent as a boy band's success. But still! If it's not bad enough that their universe was completely trashed, with favorite characters being made unlikeable monsters under a heavy-handed allegory to current events, now Captain America, the most brightly-shining light in superherodom, just bit the big one.

If I were Joe Quesada, I'd be terrified to attend comic book conventions without armed guards and a good, thick cup under his boxers. Way to alienate your audience, there, bucko.

Blasphemy...to the EXTREME!

2007-03-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

My life's goal has been set: I need to find this comic.

Conservapedia

2007-03-07T11:35:00.000-08:00

Oh. My. God.

Have you heard of Conservapedia? Has it been brought to your attention? Are you as mesmerized by the sheer, willful ignorance and mind-blistering stupidity? The lies, the spin, the mechanics that the Republican party has used to enmesh its politics into the faith and religion of so many Americans?

Look, I'm no stranger to this. I used to post regularly at Fundies Say the Darndest Things. I know how incredibly, soul-shatteringly insane these people are. But the idea that they would band together to create an ENCYCLOPEDIA that supports their view of the world...dear God. Forgive the language, but what...the...fuck?!

Well, I wanted to be sure I had something to write about today. I was going to plow through the last two hundred pages of Eldest and review it, but y'know what? This insanity takes precedence.

Let's take a look at this morass of steaming, Republican bullshit. The wiki's front page provides you with a brief rundown of the site, claiming, and I quote, "Conservapedia is a much-needed alternative to Wikipedia, which is increasingly anti-Christian and anti-American."

Anti-Christian? Whatever, that's debatable. Anti-American?! Again, sorry for the language, but what the fuck?! Jeeze, guys, I hate to be the one to break this to ya, but that thing you're using called the Internet? The rest of the world has access to it, too. You're upset that a free encyclopedia, a global project that can be accessed and editted by people all across the world, might not be American enough for you?!

Gahh! There are very few things in the world that truly piss me off. Stupid, senseless rules and beauracracy are one of 'em; willful, blind, pigheaded ignorance is another. It's why I don't read FSTDT anymore; I don't like being pissed off.

But my hackles are up, folks. And sense the good folks at Republicanbullshitipedia won't let folks register new accounts at the moment, I'm going to vent here, and at greath length.

On the front page, we have a link to a list of examples of Wikiedpia's bias. And we're going to go through it.

"1. Wikipedia allows the use of B.C.E. instead of B.C. and C.E. instead of A.D. The dates are based on the birth of Jesus, so why pretend otherwise? Conservapedia is Christian-friendly and exposes the CE deception."

CE, if ya didn't know, stands for "Common Era." It's a non-religious, non-partisan way of expressing the years in our modern calendar, and to be honest? I don't use it. But the idea that it's some kind of active attack on Christianity, or that it's a "deception" of some sort just confuses the ever-loving hell out of me. "The dates are based on the birth of Jesus, so why pretend otherwise?" Because the Roman calendar is used by most of the freaking world, dude! It's a common method of measuring the span of history -- hence, "Common Era." If you want to keep referring to it as "A.D.," then by all means, go ahead; hell, I'd rather stick with what I know. But a change in nomenclature is not an oppression of your faith, you nutjob, and it shouldn't form the first bullet point on your list of reasons for hating Wikipedia.

"2. Wikipedia's entry for the Renaissance denies any credit to Christianity, its primary inspiration."

Pull your head out of your ass. You want to give Christianity credit for starting the Renaissance? Okay, here's the credit it deserves: it became such a morass of petty politics, overzealous evil, rampant corruption, and oppressive ignorance that when people finally started to throw off their yoke, the European world started improving dramatically.

"3. Polls show that about twice as many Americans identify themselves as 'conservative' compared with 'liberal', and that ratio has been increasing for two decades. But on Wikipedia, about three times as many editors identify themselves as 'liberal' compared with 'conservative'. That suggests Wikipedia is six times more liberal than the American public."

There is so much wrong with this statement, I'm not sure where to begin. Okay, first off, most Americans aren't conservative -- they support Social Security, and at least a limited Welfare state, and national parks, and unemployment insurance, and minimum wage laws, and unions, and universal health care, and federally-funded education. However, through the slow grind of Republican spins and lies, the word "liberal" has taken on extremely negative connotations in American culture over the last few decades.

Secondly, most intelligent and highly-educated people who can look beyond Republican bullshit identify themselves as "liberal," "progressive," or "left-leaning." And what kind of people contribute a vast amount of knowledge to an online encyclopedia? Intelligent and highly-educated ones. And you know who're going to have the capabilities and interest to look at any online source of news and information? Inteligent and highly-educated people. The people who are writing the stuff for this Republican orgy are intelligent and highly-educated (if complete idiots otherwise). But the "majority" of the American people you're writing this thing for? They're fucking idiots. And they don't give a shit about your stupid website.

"8. There is a strong anti-American and anti-capitalism bias on Wikipedia. In its description of the post-war Bell Trade Act of 1946, in which the United States gave the Philippines $800 million in exchange for some free trade provisions, Wikipedia omits any mention of the $800 million dollars and instead lambasts the "wrath of Father Capitalism."[8] The agreement was approved by popular vote on the Philippines, but the Wikipedia article omits that fact also."

Tell me what you know about the Philippines. Pacific islands? Tropical paradises? Sorry, you forgot "massive slave-labor sweatshops of indentured workers grinding their lives away for ridiculously miniscule wages in horrifyingly inhuman working conditions." That $800 million? That formed the foundation of the whole sweatshop movement in the Phillipines, a sick mockery of our mainland's "industrialization."

"9. Wikipedia often uses foreign spelling of words, even though most English-speaking users are American. Look up "Most Favored Nation" on Wikipedia and it automatically converts the spelling to the British spelling "Most Favoured Nation." Look up "Division of labor" on Wikipedia and it automatically converts to the British spelling "Division of labour," then insists on the British spelling for "specialization" also.[9] Enter "Hapsburg" (the European ruling family) and Wikipedia automatically changes the spelling to Habsburg, even though the American spelling has always been "Hapsburg". Within entries British spellings appear in the silliest of places, even when the topic is American. Conservapedia favors American spellings of words."

Hey, guys, what language is that you're speaking? English? Huh. Funny how they're using the English spellings, then.

Jesus, dude, seriously; if "colours" is getting your panties in a wad, you really need to seek some psychiatric help.

"13. Edits to include facts against the theory of evolution are almost immediately censored. On Conservapedia, contributions that meet simple rules are respected to the maximum extent possible."

That's because no scientifically valid proof against the Theory of Evolution has ever been presented. Every argument Creationists have ever brought into play has always, invariably, boiled down to "God did it." Science relies on observation and testing, and y'know what? You can't observe or test God. Whether you believe in him or not, whether you feel he created the whole universe in six days and then went and took a big dump or not, religion is never acceptable scientific evidence.

"15. Wikipedia claims about 1.5 million articles, but what it does not say is that a large number of those articles have zero educational value. For example, Wikipedia has 1075 separate articles about "Moby" and "song".[15] Many hundreds of thousands of Wikipedia articles -- perhaps over half its website -- are about music, Hollywood, and other topics beneath a regular encyclopedia. This reflects a bias towards popular gossip rather than helpful or enlightening information."

Hey, y'know what? That's the whole freaking point of a worldwide encyclopedia -- it has everything. You don't want to read about Green Arrow or Starscream? Then don't. Wikipedia has never claimed to be the Encyclopedia Britannica -- if anything, it's the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"19. Wikipedia has many entries on mathematical concepts, but lacked any entry on the basic concept of an elementary proof until this omission was pointed out here.[18] Elementary proofs require a rigor lacking in many mathematical claims promoted on Wikipedia."

You know, Wikipedia never had an article on cheddar cheese until someone pointed it out and wrote it, either.

"20. The Wikipedia entry for the Piltdown Man omits many key facts, such as how it was taught in schools for an entire generation and how the dating methodology used by evolutionists is fraudulent."

Why is the dating methodology fraudulent? Because it suggests that the world must be more than 6000 years old. Damn those gay, athiest, Anti-American, god-hating liberal scientists!

That's it; the rest are direct quotes, and I don't think I can get 'em to format correctly just yet. But hey, maybe I'll come back to this and find some more lies and spin to point out. Or hey, maybe not!

But...gahhh. Willful ignorance. Pigheaded stupidity. Blind devotion. How can anyone, let alone so many people in this country, consider these to be positive attributes?

That's it, I'm done for today. See ya tomorrow, folks.

Ed's Train of Thought, 03-06-07

2007-03-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

You know, I started this blog for a reason; I know I have a novel or two in me, and they could turn out to be pretty good. But every writer I admire, ever author I respect, gives the same advice: write every day. Discipline yourself to write something every day.

That's what I'm doing. And will be doing. Discipline has never been a strong point for me, but I know I can do this. Now, constricting myself to a real format or subject might put a cramp in my style; that's why you've been seeing, and will continue to see, a wide range of goofy stuff.

Today, though, my mind is fuzzy, unfocused, and scattered. And so instead of writing anything new or unique, I'm going let my blogging follow suit.

I watched Con-Air for the first time today, after owning the DVD for well over a year. It freaking rocks. If you cannot appreciate the brilliance of a stuffed rabbit being used as a hostage not once, but twice in the same movie, you should be psychiatrically examined. It's over-the-top, it's cheesy, it's hilariously awful...and it is the most awesome action movie ever. Well, aside from Crank.

C'mon. Crank is freakin' awesome, too.

On the subject of movies, I really need to compile a list of films I really, really should have seen by this point in my life, but haven't yet. I can cross off Con-Air now, but I still have to see Deliverance before I die. Also, the Godfather trilogy, the original Excorcist, and The Shining (though I've read -- and loved -- the book). Some day, possibly on this very blog, I'll sit down and make a full list. Then I can refer to it before I go to Blockbuster, and before ya know it, bam! I can stop looking around embarassedly every time someone brings up the "cunting daughter."

Hey, it's a quotation. Don't blame me, blame the demon.

Maybe I could also make a list of films I really, really wish I hadn't seen. Jurassic Park 3 springs to mind first. "Oh, look, the giant, man-eating, flesh-ripping, winged lizards of death are going to find a new home!" Gyagh, it hurts my brain! And then there's Eragon, which I saw before I actually read the book (bought it that very night, actually). At first, I thought it was just a rushed, over-editted film that would benefit from the DVD's deleted scenes. Now? I feel really, really horrible for Chris Paolini. Poor guy; talk about having your work absolutely butchered in the name of a quick buck. No wonder the third book isn't done yet; how on Earth could he focus on it, knowing his work will be forever associated with such a horrible letdown of a film?

I hope there's not a sequel. I'm reading Eldest right now, and I'd absolutely hate to see it trod into the mud like the first one. Like with the first book, Chris started off kinda rough (oops, urgal attack! Gankage!), but even with the sickening favoritism shown the elves -- buncha damn pointy-ears -- in favor of the dwarves, even to the point of Eragon himself stating how much better he likes livin' around a bunch of stupid trees instead of a giant frickin' crater in a giant frickin' mountain with a mile-high dwarf-made city of stone resting in the middle, it's still keeping me really interested and entertained.

Seriously, Eragon's description of Farthen Dur blew my mind. I've never been moved or inspired by the mere place in a novel, but the vast sense of scale and glory that Paolini conveys just blows me away whenever I think about it. I love Farthen Dur. Should I ever write about dwarves, I'm totally going to rip him off. Just a heads-up.

But, like the vast majority of fantasy authors in the world today, Paolini prefers him some elves. I can't really hold it against him, what with the majesty of the dwarven homeland and all, but c'mon -- elves suck. I'm sick of all these Legolases and Drizzts with their dancing and dodging and elegant duels. The idea of a near-immortal creature of grace and beauty doesn't appeal to me. Give me a solid, sturdy warrior with a heart of gold, a will of iron, and a big honkin' axe.

And here I come 'round again, to one of the geeky subjects I hold closest to my heart. I love dwarves like Ninja Rick loves ninjas. Except that I don't usually carry around an axe or a viking helmet. Only on Tuesdays.

To me, the archtypical fantasy dwarf represents the masculine ideal. They are tough, earthy men and women who value family, loyalty, and willpower. They represent strength, sturdiness, determination, hard work, and generosity; any good dwarf would give the shirt off his back for another in need. Dwarves value craftsmanship and beauty, but their artistic drive goes towards practical uses: armor, weapons, and architecture. Sure, they can be stubborn or wilfully ignorant, and reluctant to open up to others not of their family, but once you've earned the respect and friendship of a dwarf, you have a friend and ally who will always be ready to stand at your side.

Elves are distant, alien. They are airy and impractical, and often even more stubborn than a surly dwarf in their belief that they, being older and wiser than you, know better. They are usually described as graceful and beautiful, their bearing haughty and imperial. They don't particularly care about humans, dwarves, halflings or what have you; they just sit back and sniff disdainfully at their failings and misdeeds.

Psh. Elves. I mean, I really do like Drizzt and Legolas just fine, but the amount of attention and near-worship elves get in modern fiction just drives me nuts. Where's the dwarf-love, people?

That's another reason I want to write a novel, y'know. I'll get to paint elves in a bad light, and make the dwarves heroic and valiant. And then we'll see how all of you artsy, passionate Scorpios like that.

You know, it may be the truest sign yet of geekhood when you don't judge real people by race, but you absolutely loathe a group of fictional characters.

The Three Brothers

2007-03-05T12:46:00.000-08:00

Once, there were three brothers that represented the powers of Light, Darkness, and Balance. At the beginning of time, they agreed to create a world that would have men, and orcs, and elves, and dwarves, and goblins, and every manner of creature that they could imagine. They filled the world until it was brimming with life of every description and they could create no more.

The gods of Light and Darkness, however, wanted to keep inventing more and more things, and their arguments came to blows that shook the very essence of the universe for a millenia and more, until the god of Balance proposed a compromise. The two would divide the men, and orcs, and elves, and dwarves, and goblins, and everything else amongst eachother, and have them compete in a thousand thousand games of skill, strength, and intelligence. The god of the losing side would have his creations diminished by half, and the winner would have more room to create.

And so the competition ensued, and for each contest won by an illithid or trogdolyte, another would be taken by an pixie or a gnome. Finally, it came to the final test of combat between a man and an orc. The man and orc were evenly matched, and fought for days before either even began to tire. Finally, the man slipped on a rock and lost his balance, giving the orc a clean strike at his head.

The god of Light immediately accused his brother of cheating, of conjuring the rock from nothing and causing his champion to fail. The god of the Dark denied this, but was angered by the accusation and lashed out. The two deities fell once again into combat, as did their followers; the world shook, mountains fell, oceans rose, and finally the world was destroyed.

When they realized what they had done, the two gods ceased their battle and immediately asked the god of Balance to help them rebuild what they had broken, and he agreed. And so the world was created again, and filled with creatures of every shape and size and color imaginable, but all-too-soon, the land and the sea were erupting with life. The gods of Light and Darkness began to squabble again, and the god of Balance sat back and watched and tried to think of a way to stop the brothers from destroying creation again.

Finally, he called for another contest, but this time the other gods would assume mortal forms and compete as well. Each confident that they could overcome the other, they agreed and the competition began again. Goblin beat elf, dwarf beat bugbear, and both sides were evenly matched when it finally came time for the two gods to do battle once again.

The god of Light entered battle with shining armor and a massive sword, while the god of Darkness met him in a garb black as night, with a pair of daggers dripping with vile poison. They fought with all the power in their earthly shells, the god of Light a mighty, invincible warrior impervious to pain, the god of Darkness a nimble, deadly killer too quick to be struck. They were balanced perfectly, and they realized this. Finally, the god of Darkness breached the rules of the contest and reached for his true power; the god of Light saw this, and did the same. As their power began filling them, their blows rang louder and louder, the earth began to shake with each strike, and storms began to whirl and twist above them, lighting crashing down around the dueling gods.

But this was the god of Balance's plan all along. He smiled grimly as his brothers channelled more and more power into their earthly forms, growing larger and larger and stronger and stronger. And finally, as the two avatars were about to burst with the divininity filling their mortal bodies, he reached out with his delicate magic and sealed them from the divine realm.

The gods of Light and Darkness knew immediately what had happened, and were stunned. Above them, the God of Balance, fueled now by the remaining power of his brothers, looked down on them from the heavens and spoke.

"Your jealousy and pettiness have done enough damage," he said to them. "It is time for this to end. I will divide the world into two halves, one for each of you and your followers. And between these halves I will place guardians of my power, so that you might remain seperate forevermore and cause no more destruction."

And with that, the land shook and split apart. A great, vast wall rose from the chasm, dividing the gods and their followers, and water began to rush in to fill the spaces where the wall was not. A new ocean was formed as the two halves of the world split apart, and the gods of Light of Darkness could only watch as their brother remade the world for the final time.

The god of Darkness and his followers went to the west, to a land of great mountains, dark forests, vast swamps, and arid highlands. The god of Light and his followers went to the east, to a land of fertile valleys and dense jungles and snowy peaks. And between them rose a great sea, and across it lay a great stone wall of towers and arches, where the God of Balance imbued his guardians with great power and immortality, and then left the world to watch it from afar.

So ended the First Age.

Ed's Review: JLU Multipack: Huntress, Atom, and Batman

2007-03-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

Batman's really starting to get on my nerves.

Now, don't get me wrong; I love the big guy, and I love the version of the character created and developed within Bruce Timm and Paul Dini's animated universe. He's the ultimate amalgam of everything Batman should be: a protector, a warrior, a ninja, a detective, and maybe a bit of a psychopath. He, more than any other incarnation of the character, is the goddamn Batman.

But why does he have to be packaged into every single Justice League Unlimited 3-pack?

Zatanna, Shining Knight...Batman. Huntress, the Atom...Batman. Superman, Wonder Woman...Batman. Dude, I don't need that many Batmen decorating my apartment!

Oh, and I've got the Justice Lord version, too. But he's fine, posing with six out of his seven cohorts -- why isn't there a Justice Lord Hawkgirl, by the way?

There is? Oh, of course...bundled with a robot Batman.

Now, admittedly, there are variations. The Batman packaged with Zatanna and Shining Knight has a lighter shade of gray in his costume, the Justice Lord version simply has a cooler uniform, and one can even breathe in space.

But you know what? I have enough Batmen to last me for a long, long while. And sure, the three-pack with Clark and Diana is it for this run, but next time? Batman packaged with Blue Devil and the Creeper, or Batman packaged with S.T.R.I.P.E. and Toyman, or Batman packaged with...whoever. And I'll end up getting it, because just like Zatanna and Shining Knight, or Huntress and Ray Palmer, I'm gonna want the two folks Bruce comes packaged with. And there'll be another lone, solitary vigilante piled up in a corner with his clones.

Ah well. At least Green Arrow and Hawk don't come packaged with him.

Anyway...to the actual review! My old camera's dying horribly and consuming batteries at a rate I cannot afford to maintain, so instead I'll rip off pictures from other websites. I'm nice like that.

So, the 3-pack. It took me awhile to destroy such a beautiful work of craftsmanship and art, but destroy it I did so that you, humble reader, may benefit from my sacrifice.

Let's start from the top, with the Huntress. Her face looks very nice and exactly like the show's, but her costume's undergone a few alterations. Instead of the one-piece swimsuit with a cut-out midriff, Helena's been given a sports top and shorts, and no utility belt. Her articulation is very, very limited (arms, legs, and neck), and barring a peg-board, she's only going to be standing with a slouch, glaring in indignation at the ground a foot or so away. On mine, her neck peg seemed a bit loose, causing her head to wobble about when pressure was applied.

Ray Palmer is a bit sturdier, using the Flash base but with a unique and show-perfect head. His costume is as unremarkable but endearing as ever, and he stands up just fine (albeit with a somewhat aggressive posture that might not totally fit his personality).

And finally...Batman. He's the same Bruce as always, with a fanning cape, bendable arms and knees, and a rough paint job around the cowl. One noticeable difference is that due to a very, very loose joint, mine has a gamey right leg. So great, now I've got a mildly crippled Batman to go along with the rest of the bunch. I s'pose I wanted variation...

So...eh. Not exactly a worthwhile expendeture, all in all. On the bright side, the Atom's awesome, I now have two of the Gotham girls, and I still have no pair of Batmen who are exactly the same.

Wow. I just reviewed toys. I'm really going for this all-purpose geekery blog, aren't I?

The Fall of Lieutenant-Captain Marcus

2007-03-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

Truly, Lieutenant-Captain Marcus of the Karnnathi Army was a most unique man. Unwillingly forced to live and train with the desert-dwelling elves of Valinar as part of a treaty, the young soldier had learned to fight with the grace and agility of an elf, rather than the brute force and thick armor of his homeland. Mighty Marcus' involvement in the program would have undoubtedly won him a prestigious rank without the slightest effort on his part, but lo, he was a skilled warrior and a magnificent tactician, and vowed to use his powerful gifts for the benefit of his homeland, perhaps to see it rise victorious from the ashes of the Last War.

Eight years later, he was pushed off a tower by an anthropomorphic rhino. This is the story of his death.

The fearsome Karnns had marched south upon the lands of Cyre, bypassing and blockading the graceful Cyrean capital of Metrol to strike at the city of Making, home and heart of House Cannith. Though the majority of their forces remained at the siege of the capital, the great Karnnathi horde was accompanied south by their stalwart dwarven allies and quickly shattered what resistance the desperate Cyreans could muster. Seeking aid, the Cyrean general Leonardo Giatelli enlisted the aid of any adventurers he could find, banding them into a noble group that, through sheer luck and coincedence, consisted of exactly the right classes and elements to form a successful adventuring party.

The group's first quest was to sieze an old watchtower northwest of the city, where the encroaching Karnns were believed to be keeping an Orb of Scrying, an undisputedly deadly asset in any great war. Commanding the tower's garrison was a feared Karnn warrior said in whispers to have trained with the mysterious elves of Valenar.

What ragtag band was this? A halfling ranger of the Talenta plains, with his trusted raptor companion; a human bard of unparalleled grace and beauty; a mysterious sorcerer, descended from dragons and something, perhaps, beyond; an orcish shadow warrior from the Shadow Marches; and a noble crusader, fierce as she was lovely.

Oh, and the aforementioned, anthropomorphic rhino.

Together, these six heroes set forth from Making, dashing across the battle lines as the two sides met once again before the city's walls, risking life and limb merely to cross into the forest beyond and evade the notice of their enemies. Safety was short-lived, however, as the six rested for only a moment before continuing onward to their goal.

Alas! The tower was filled with all the soldiers it could hold, and even more milled about in the clearing beyond, even a regiment of the foul undead. But fortune favored the adventurers, for the horns of battle soon rang out to call much of their opposition away. Nevertheless, even these mighty six could not defeat the multitude that remained, save but through a daring, mischevious plan.

The bard, quick-witted as a fox, came upon such a plot. Boldly, she led the party from the forest and up to the tower's mighty wooden gate, claiming mandate from Karnnathi on high. Her sly tongue and unwavering confidence convinced the sentries of her validity, and lo, they were allowed entry without bloodshed nor violence of any sort.

Up, and up, and up they climbed, for the tower was tall and slender, as the Cyreans are wont to build. Finally, they came upon a door; through the door was the tower's top, a flat expanse encircled by crenellated stone. Across from them, his back turned, his posture that of a deadly tiger waiting to pounce, stood Lieutenant-Captain Marcus.

His armor was only chain, but looked as sturdy as the thicker plates of his comrades. His spear seemed to glow with an ominous energy of its own. His hair, kept in a long tail, was still bleached from his years spent amidst the sands and dunes of the desert. He stood surveying the forest and the battlefield beyond, a confident warrior, an omnipotent ruler.

The rhino shoved him off the edge.

But the mighty Lieutenant-Captain was not so easily slain, for even as his bones shattered and his mind filled with unbearable pain, he yet lived, he yet drew breath. The rhino, from his perch high above, saw him stir and knew that this development must be rectified.

He leapt from the roof, the horn upon his snout guiding his descent.

Knight-Captain Marcus was slain most brutally. The tower he was charged with defending fell; the Orb of Scrying he had taken into his protection was stolen. For the rhino, his impact buffered by the Knight-Captain's mangled body, had survived the fall as well; when the sorcerer joined him upon the ground after a graceful descent, he was enchanted to seem a beast even greater and more fearsome than he already was. The two tore into the wooden gate with such gusto as has rarely been seen; they splintered it from its hinges and sent the rest of the Karnns within into a mindless panic. Above, the bard made claim that another monster was attacking from above, and in the ensuing chaos, the hapless soldiers found themselves overwhelmed in their terror, lashing out at any who impeded their progress in whichever direction they felt most productive to move in.

The heroes escaped with their ill-gotten gains. Knight-Captain Marcus, untested in battle, unproven in combat, was forgotten amongst the legends that the six created, but here, but now, I tell you his tale.

May you rest in peace, o brave Marcus.

Confessions of a Casual Gamer

2007-03-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

Until I started playing World of Warcraft, I never really realized that I was a casual gamer. I've been playing video games since I received a Nintendo Entertainment System for Christmas in '88, and during my ill-spent youth I could pass a dozen hours in front of Super Mario Kart without blinking. But then I graduated high school, screwed the pooch on the college thing and had to get a job, and gaming became less and less important in my life. I mean, I still spent entirely too much money on the latest titles, happily standing in line at midnight with my geek brethren, but more and more I'd end up turning off the game and walking away, never to resume.

And then there was WoW, and it was good. But as the first month wore on, I found myself switching characters, or spending my time chatting with guildies, or running lowbies through the Deadmines. In fact, it wasn't until more than a year after the game's launch that I got my first character, Cheddo the gnome mage, to 60. Whatever, right? I was just enjoying myself.

Eventually, it became clear that I was, in fact, no longer a hardcore gamer. My best friend (now my roomate) was grinding toon after toon to 60, and then starting over with a new one. Even my other buddies, with less obsessive personalities, were working on their second or third 60. And here I was, playing a new character for a few days and then taking a week off to play something else.

Sometimes, no matter how honest you try to be with yourself, things just slip through the cracks. Sometimes, you just can't face up to the facts. Sometimes, denial ain't just a river in Africa.

It's been strange, coming to terms with my life as a casual gamer. I lie awake at night and stare at the wall, shivering. I walk into a Gamestop or EB and feel lost, adrift. Instead of asking, "Will it run on my computer?" I ask, "Will I actually play it?"

Well, okay, I still ask the first one. Like with Spore. I'm really concerned that it'll require more than my hapless, hopeless system can give. That makes me lie away at night, too.

But while this whole "growing up" and "being financially responsible" thing is pretty disorienting, I'm thankful to WoW for opening up these windows into my mind. It's saved me from buying a 360 at launch, it's kept me from bringing home other, undoubtedly crappier MMOs, and it lets me make fun of my roomate for still being such a complete addict. 'Cause moral superiority always makes ya feel good.

Being a casual gamer isn't all bad, y'see, and it certainly doesn't make you less of a person for acknowledging it. People change, adapt, evolve; you aren't the same person you were ten or twenty years ago. If you, like me, were "in the closet" about your gaming habits, maybe it's time you admit it. We're still gamers, my friend, and our opinions still matter! Take a moment, look deep into your soul, and ask..."Am I really hardcore?"

And hey, if you're concerned about losing geek cred, just play more D&D. An hour of dungeon crawlin' is worth, like, ten hours of Halo.

Ed's Review: Samurai Warriors 2: Empires

2007-03-02T16:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, first off, there's something you should know about me: I love Koei's Warriors games. Yes, they're mindless button-mashers. Yes, their incremental changes are about as earth-shaking as the latest Madden's. Yes, the only difficulty the games present is in struggling to keep slamming the Square button even as your thumb throbs and begs, nay, pleads for you to let it rest. They're ugly, dumb, and increasingly uncreative.

And I freaking love them.

Now, you have to give Samurai Warriors 2 some credit. The formula wasn't quite so formulaic as usual; officers were divided into three different attack types (Normal, Charge, and Special) which varied their movesets. Smackin' peons around with Yoshihiro Shimazu's giant hammer, for instance, was a different experience than Magoichi Saika's more finessed reliance on combos. The various skills you could buy, the improved bodyguard system, and the genuinely moving storyline (I know I'm a softy, but the tale of Hideyoshi and Magoichi's friendship was good stuff) easily put the game two steps above its brethren. It wasn't quite the evolution that professional gaming critics (and heck, less easily-pleased gamers) were begging for, but my roomate and I sank 80 hours into the game before we knew it.

Two days ago, I picked up SW2's expansion, Empires, and...ehh.

Don't get me wrong; it's working off the solid foundation SW2 built and adding all those Empires additions you'd expect (well, kinda, but more on that in a sec), but it's just nowhere near the leap forward for the series that the original was. In fact, as far as the Empires expansions go, it's almost a step back.

Griping and moaning first, and I'll start with the feature that always (stupidly, maybe) gets me excited -- the CAW (Create-a-Warrior...or Wrestler...or Whatever). Quick sidetrack: back in high school, my roomie and I were obsessed with WWF No Mercy for the N64. We loved that game more than was probably healthy, and filled up at least a half-dozen of those dinky Memory Packs with created wrestlers ranging from Metallus Cinder, a Shakespeare-inspired goth warrior with lots of flames and fire, to Jesus H. Christ himself. So, to this day, the mere mention of a CAW mode fills me with glee and excitement, despite the fact I've been let down so, so many times.

So! Back to Empires. After the last Empires title, Dynasty Warriors 5: Empires, I was looking forward to a decent CAW, something basic that'd let me swap faces, hair styles, and individual bits of clothing -- like the last game's. Instead, I found a horrible, horrible flashback to days I had hoped long past. Your options for creating a medieval, Japanese buttkicker? Complete models, with color swaps. No, that's not quite enough; complete models that are already in the game. Were you hoping to make Generic Officer #5 and go conquer the world? Well, here's your chance!

As far as movesets go, you're offered a limited selection based on your character's model, the three Generic Officer techniques (which are really, really horrible to the point of unplayability), and, if you're brave enough to pick one of 'em, you can customize your Special Attacks. Which is actually kind of nice, but seriously? Becoming an avatar of Bishimonten isn't all that great when you swing your sword like somebody's grandma. In a slightly, very slightly redeeming feature, you can select your created officer's unique Skill, though only one (maybe two) is actually of any use.

That's the CAW. The CAW sucks. But let's move on.

How's the gameplay? Hey, it's Samurai Warriors 2. Nothing new's added to the mix here (except that in order to get better weapons, you have to upgrade them during your Strategy Phase), though the battles are a bit more difficult than DW5: Empires' due to an increased number of enemy peons milling about. Early in each scenario, you'll be given a chance to participate in a storyline battle, which are actually the same as normal battles but with more dialogue. As your campaign to unify Japan proceeds, the battles also become increasingly difficult, with rival troops becoming a more and more proactive in stabbing you during duels.

The actual Empire mode is the same as the last game's, albeit with more options for Training your officers via duels, debates, or tea ceremonies (though, unfortunately, you can't really pick who duels, debates, or sets out the china). You start out with a limited number of activities (or Cards, if you want to be cool and use the lingo) to choose from, but following your officers' suggestions will lead to more and more being added to your playbook. Diplomacy is very basic, letting you ally with a clan (or, once you get the Card, annul said alliance), which prevents them from attackin' you, lets you earn extra gold by helping them in battles, and occasionally call them in to help in a fight of your own. It's solid stuff, and surprisingly absorbing, though the only real change to the system is that the map's of a different country.

The graphics and sounds are the same as the base game's, though all of the original voice actors have returned to record new dialogue and say the word "base" a lot (seriously, you will hear the word "base" more than five hundred times per hour, and you will grow to hate it). Some of it's even entertaining, especially comments from the psychopathic couple of Hideyoshi and Nene. But everyone says "base." A lot.

All in all? Samurai Warriors 2: Empires is another solid entry in the Empires line of expansions, made better by the game it's built on, but made worse by a horrible, horrible CAW. If you're a fan of the mindless smashy-crushy like I am, it's definitely worth the $30.00 hole it'll put in your bank account, and it'll give you an endless number of faceless drones and historically-important-but-not-cool-enough-to-have-their-own-character figures (see: Toshiie Maeda) to pound on.

Oh, and Wind Ninjas now come in packs of five. You have been warned.

Ed's Totally Subjective Score: 6.5/10

Commence General Geekery

2007-03-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

Hello, Internet! Here I am, presenting my words and insights to the people of the present and future (and maybe past, but that would probably require screwing up the timestream pretty badly). I am Ed Novak, and I welcome you to Another Geeky Blog.

Now, if you're reading a blog called "Another Geeky Blog," you probably have a good idea of what to expect. For your entertainment, I'll be providing reviews on things like movies, games, books, comics, and anything else that catches my interest. Typical stuff.

"But what", you say, "makes you different?"

Excellent question! You thought you'd catch me off guard, didn't you? But I'm prepared!

First, I'm generally a pretty optimistic and positive guy. It's rare that I can't find things to enjoy in even the worst, most grotesque lumps of crap foisted upon me. Unless something is really, overwhelmingly bad, I'll usually enjoy it. Unless I've read the book, and then all I can do is gripe (see: Eragon).

Secondly, I'm a geek in (what I feel to be) the truest definition of the word. I'm not particlarly devoted to any branch of nerdism (gaming, comics, whatever) -- the words you will read will have been typed by a lazy, half-informed nobody who, for some reason, thinks his opinions matter.

Hey, you said "different," not "better."

So, that's that. "But who are you," you now ask, "to think you deserve my readership?"

I'm Ed Novak. If that's not enough for ya, I'm a 23-year-old retail monkey at a chain of stores that will terminate me if I say anything bad about them in any public forum (gotta love those violations of the First Amendment), and will be attending the prestigious, noble Southern Illinois University come fall. I'm also a Virgo. Y'know. Just FYI.

"So," you now say thoughtfully, "I know who you are and what makes you different. But...why should I care?"

That, my friend, is entirely up to you. But before you make that kind of irreversible, life-changing decision, I'd ask you to stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and think.

About what? I dunno. People should just do that more often, is all.

Next: Samurai Warriors 2: Empires!